I have heard a number of insulting things directed at the Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, that shocked me. She's been characterized as stupid, backward and irresponsible with regard to her family.
I'll be honest with you, Sarah Palin reminds in many ways of my sister-in-law. She's is an accomplished jumping horsewoman, landlord and high school teacher. While she has no children, her care for other people's children is demonstrably evident. She is passionate about the environment, and co-incidentally hunts and fishes with her husband. I admire her a great deal.
If anyone were to say the things about my sister-in-law that they've said about Gov. Palin, I would have a strong desire to hurt them. But no one would dare to say those things about my sister-in-law. (You should see her husband the football coach, not to mention my husband --- her brother --- affectionately nicknamed "Bear.)
I've been puzzling and puzzling over the venom directed at Sarah, and I'm starting to think it's because of her kids. Follow me here. Back in the day, when the whole Women's Liberation Movement was about getting the legal right to an abortion, the argument was that women were being kept out of positions of power because they didn't have control over their "reproductive rights."
Meaning, "How can you complete college or expect to get promoted if you had to stop to have a baby?"
When I worked at a pregnancy center, offering information about pregnancy options, it was a common argument, "I can't have a baby! I won't be able to finish school!"
Women who might take off work because of a sick child, or to attend some primary school function, were less desirable employees, we were told. The research on single moms shows many, if not most, will spend some portion of their lives below the poverty level. Then there's the statistic that 90% of babies diagnosed with Down's Syndrome are aborted.
I personally know a lot of women who chose abortion based on these arguments. And it is the argument I used myself when I aborted.
According the US News and World Report (Jan. 19, 1998), 43% of American women will have an abortion in their life time. About a million women every year, for the last 40 years. That's a lot of women. Justifying a lot of abortion decisions.
Here comes Sarah Palin, with husband and her five kids, including one with Down's. She finished her degree, ran a business, ran a city and ran a state. She did what everyone told us (back in the day) we wouldn't be able to do unless we aborted.
You'd think her ability to balance it all: education, career, marriage, family, social change, politics --- would make her the ICON of what we fought so hard for, back in the day. But instead she is a sad reminder of "dreams that could have been." The regrets of which many single, childless feminists are lamenting.
Focusing on finishing an advanced degree and establishing career success before starting a family, for many women in my generation meant by the time you were ready to have a family, you had passed your best reproductive years, or your pool of marriageable partners had shrunk considerably.
Sarah Palin makes all of us who didn't have her courage and stamina look at our own decision and ask, "what if...?"
The first time you you are confronted with those uncomfortable thoughts, it makes you mad. Really mad. And scared. And ashamed. Your perspective about the kind of person you think you are changes dramatically. You relive all the emotions and recriminations you experienced when you made your "choice." They flood your mind like the waters from the Dec. 26, 2004 Indonesian tsunami, leaving a piles of litter and debris everywhere.
I think that's why some people hate her. Its easier to hate her than hate yourself.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
A Teen Pregnancy To Talk About
So, the new Vice Presidential pick has a pregnant 17 year old daughter. Gov. Palin has been a strong supporter of abstinence education. I have already heard, as I'm sure you will, that this is PROOF that "abstinence doesn't work."
First, let me point out, abstinence ALWAYS works. Obviously this child was NOT abstinent.
Here's the thing, while Governor Palin supports abstinence-until-marriage as the healthiest behavior, Alaska is a "comprehensive sex education" state. They have not been receiving federal funding for abstinence education.
That means, Bristol Palin was not "deprived" of information about contraception. In this day and age, even in Alaska, it is surely impossible to avoid the discovery that:
No one except these teenage parents know if they used protection that failed, or if they were inconsistent in their use of it. What we do know is these two teenagers made an adult decision to have sex, it produced an adult consequence (parenthood) and they have made an adult decision to sacrifice their own self-interest (staying children themselves as long as possible). They are probably not prepared for both marriage and parenthood, but they have decided they had better get ready. The circumstances of conception are not the baby's fault, so its up to the mom and dad to shoulder the responsibility for the nurturance of that life.
As far as which sex education works (I think as an abstinence educator for 10 years I'm more qualified than most to answer this)... it depends on your goal. If the goal is to REDUCE pregnancy and the spread of disease, then we need to give lots of information about how much you can minimize risk and accept there will still be human error and product failure which results in some affected percentage of teens.
If, however, the goal is to ensure a teen's greatest chance for physical, emotional and relational well-being, then the focus must be 0n providing the character tools one needs to be successful at sexual self-control. The ability to manage sexual passion is the gateway for achievement: relationally, professionally and educationally.
Few challenges in life equal the difficulty of controlling passion. Temptation is a constant nagging drive, whipped to a frenzy at times by youth culture. But, by learning to control it, a person acquires skills which sets the stage to accomplish other goals.
Choosing not to give in to temptation, consciously putting the health, future and safety of other people ahead of a selfish impulse... these choices demonstrate great character qualities in a way that using condoms & contraception do NOT. One is the choice to eliminate any risk to their partner. The other, since "safe sex" is not 100% effective, demonstrates at least some willingness to put their partner (and their potential product of conception) at risk.
It's not enough to say "don't have sex." It's also not enough to educate and/or distribute condoms and contraception. It is essential that young people of this generation be taught "its not nice to use others" too.
I say again, abstinence ALWAYS works. But without teaching the code of honor behind it, without demonstrating there is greater love in sacrifice, without linking sexual self-control to the effect it will have on the range of choices for the future --- its as ineffective as "don't have sex, here's a condom."
(For further insight on the most obvious reason "safe sex" fails, read my post, "Teens Pact to Get Pregnant" http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=8475109099933460680)
First, let me point out, abstinence ALWAYS works. Obviously this child was NOT abstinent.
Here's the thing, while Governor Palin supports abstinence-until-marriage as the healthiest behavior, Alaska is a "comprehensive sex education" state. They have not been receiving federal funding for abstinence education.
That means, Bristol Palin was not "deprived" of information about contraception. In this day and age, even in Alaska, it is surely impossible to avoid the discovery that:
- Sex makes babies
- There are pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms which can prevent pregnancy
- You can get at least some of them in any drug store, and all of them at the local Planned Parenthood clinic
No one except these teenage parents know if they used protection that failed, or if they were inconsistent in their use of it. What we do know is these two teenagers made an adult decision to have sex, it produced an adult consequence (parenthood) and they have made an adult decision to sacrifice their own self-interest (staying children themselves as long as possible). They are probably not prepared for both marriage and parenthood, but they have decided they had better get ready. The circumstances of conception are not the baby's fault, so its up to the mom and dad to shoulder the responsibility for the nurturance of that life.
As far as which sex education works (I think as an abstinence educator for 10 years I'm more qualified than most to answer this)... it depends on your goal. If the goal is to REDUCE pregnancy and the spread of disease, then we need to give lots of information about how much you can minimize risk and accept there will still be human error and product failure which results in some affected percentage of teens.
If, however, the goal is to ensure a teen's greatest chance for physical, emotional and relational well-being, then the focus must be 0n providing the character tools one needs to be successful at sexual self-control. The ability to manage sexual passion is the gateway for achievement: relationally, professionally and educationally.
Few challenges in life equal the difficulty of controlling passion. Temptation is a constant nagging drive, whipped to a frenzy at times by youth culture. But, by learning to control it, a person acquires skills which sets the stage to accomplish other goals.
Choosing not to give in to temptation, consciously putting the health, future and safety of other people ahead of a selfish impulse... these choices demonstrate great character qualities in a way that using condoms & contraception do NOT. One is the choice to eliminate any risk to their partner. The other, since "safe sex" is not 100% effective, demonstrates at least some willingness to put their partner (and their potential product of conception) at risk.
It's not enough to say "don't have sex." It's also not enough to educate and/or distribute condoms and contraception. It is essential that young people of this generation be taught "its not nice to use others" too.
I say again, abstinence ALWAYS works. But without teaching the code of honor behind it, without demonstrating there is greater love in sacrifice, without linking sexual self-control to the effect it will have on the range of choices for the future --- its as ineffective as "don't have sex, here's a condom."
(For further insight on the most obvious reason "safe sex" fails, read my post, "Teens Pact to Get Pregnant" http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=8475109099933460680)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Over 45? Better Watch Out!
Science Daily (June 30, ‘08) Sexually transmitted infections are on the rise… in people over 45!
Between 1996 and 2003, a study of clinics in the Midwest found 4,445 STI episodes among people aged 45 and older. Most of these were in straight men and women.
The most commonly diagnosed infection among the Over 45s was genital warts, accounting for almost half (45%) of the episodes. Herpes was the next most common, accounting for almost one in five (19%).
Men and those between the ages of 55 and 59 were significantly more likely to have an STI than anyone else.
Cases of Chlamydia, herpes, warts, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose sharply, as well.
While the numbers of infections identified in younger age groups rose 97% during the period of the study, those identified in the "Over 45s" rose 127%.
[Excuse me… If more people are educated about, have access to and are using condoms, how come the number of infected people keeps going up?]
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
If You Don't Tell Them, Who Will?
Today I received the first of what I expect will be many heartbreaking phone calls. A teacher in LAUSD has been preparing her students to hear my story, and found out today that I'm not allowed to tell it in her school anymore.
As we talked, she echoed every conversation we have had at Positively Waiting. What about...? A taped presentation? Getting in with the clinic speakers? Webcasting?
The hurt and urgency in her voice squeezed my heart. Both of us are thinking, "what about THESE kids?" They will get only the one view (Be safe, use "protection.") Who will tell them they're worth waiting for? Who will tell them there are BENEFITS to learning how to control those powerful impulses?
The teacher assured me she will do her best, but pointed out, "They listen to you because you've been there."
I'm not giving up. I'm looking for ways to smuggle the truth in underground. But I'm dreading every one of those phone calls this Fall.
As we talked, she echoed every conversation we have had at Positively Waiting. What about...? A taped presentation? Getting in with the clinic speakers? Webcasting?
The hurt and urgency in her voice squeezed my heart. Both of us are thinking, "what about THESE kids?" They will get only the one view (Be safe, use "protection.") Who will tell them they're worth waiting for? Who will tell them there are BENEFITS to learning how to control those powerful impulses?
The teacher assured me she will do her best, but pointed out, "They listen to you because you've been there."
I'm not giving up. I'm looking for ways to smuggle the truth in underground. But I'm dreading every one of those phone calls this Fall.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Boys To Men?
Jim and I saw a commercial for Windex recently. In it, the napping presumptive husband is so disoriented by how bright his sliding glass door is that he wakes up and says, "This is not my house!" Then proceeds to bounce off the glass a few times.
It was just one more example of how contemptuously the culture portrays men. I found myself wondering, Why do men put up with it? They can't enjoy being depicted as bumbling idiots who occasionally stumble on the right solution.
I reflected on the contrast. As a teenager, I had a major crush on Clark Gable. He was the epitome of masculinity to me. Invariably he played a rake, who was (by the end of the movie) barely tamed by his lover. There's line in The Tall Men (one of his last films) where Montgomery Clift says, "He's what every boy hopes he will be and what every old man wishes he was."
Today's teen boys get a steady diet of Adam Sandler and Ashton Kutcher or Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock. How will they envision themselves as leaders and protectors with those role models?
I'm a product of the generation who thought "if we just make boys more like girls, it will solve all the world's problems." Getting rid of natural male aggression by encouraging "peace" and eliminating sexually predatory behavior by making sex readily available was supposed to balance the scales. Men raised without a reason to fight or to impress women would evolve into everything a girl could want!
Howzat workin' for ya?
Want to know a secret? I absolutely LOVE that my husband still lifts heavy things to impress me! And any young woman who gets a chance should listen to a wounded Marine talk about how he would do it all again because he loves his unit and his country... that tightening in your chest is how it feels to be loved for REAL. And it sure transcends anything Hollywood has cooked up since Clark Gable died.
Young Woman, take little advice from your Aunt Karen, don't chase boys. Girls who make the first move, ask the guy out... are training their guy to be romantically lazy. I'm serious. It's human nature to take the path of least resistance. If a young man doesn't have to impress you to get your attention --- he won't. If he doesn't have to achieve something to win your admiration and affection --- he won't.
You hear women complain about their boyfriend/husband not pursuing them, taking them for granted. Dig a little deeper and you'll find out most women trained their guy to be that way.
Call me old-fashioned, but knowing another guy might come along and sweep his girl off her feet made was pretty good motivation, back in the day.
Turn into Judge Judy some afternoon and see the parade of girls trying to get back the money they loaned to some loser. He's claiming it was a "gift" and she's out hundreds or thousands. You have to ask yourself, what was she thinking?
She was thinking she was getting Clark Gable but she ended up with Adam Sandler.
As a culture we train boys to stay boys. They never grow up. They fail to take responsibility for themselves and the babies they make... so does that Windex commercial represent reality not parody? I don't know.
But I do know sitting next to a very masculine man watching a commercial depict another man as a stooge gave me a sharp pang of conscience. It got me thinking, What can I do, this week, today to celebrate masculinity? How can I change the cultural message?
Any suggestions?
It was just one more example of how contemptuously the culture portrays men. I found myself wondering, Why do men put up with it? They can't enjoy being depicted as bumbling idiots who occasionally stumble on the right solution.
I reflected on the contrast. As a teenager, I had a major crush on Clark Gable. He was the epitome of masculinity to me. Invariably he played a rake, who was (by the end of the movie) barely tamed by his lover. There's line in The Tall Men (one of his last films) where Montgomery Clift says, "He's what every boy hopes he will be and what every old man wishes he was."
Today's teen boys get a steady diet of Adam Sandler and Ashton Kutcher or Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock. How will they envision themselves as leaders and protectors with those role models?
I'm a product of the generation who thought "if we just make boys more like girls, it will solve all the world's problems." Getting rid of natural male aggression by encouraging "peace" and eliminating sexually predatory behavior by making sex readily available was supposed to balance the scales. Men raised without a reason to fight or to impress women would evolve into everything a girl could want!
Howzat workin' for ya?
Want to know a secret? I absolutely LOVE that my husband still lifts heavy things to impress me! And any young woman who gets a chance should listen to a wounded Marine talk about how he would do it all again because he loves his unit and his country... that tightening in your chest is how it feels to be loved for REAL. And it sure transcends anything Hollywood has cooked up since Clark Gable died.
Young Woman, take little advice from your Aunt Karen, don't chase boys. Girls who make the first move, ask the guy out... are training their guy to be romantically lazy. I'm serious. It's human nature to take the path of least resistance. If a young man doesn't have to impress you to get your attention --- he won't. If he doesn't have to achieve something to win your admiration and affection --- he won't.
You hear women complain about their boyfriend/husband not pursuing them, taking them for granted. Dig a little deeper and you'll find out most women trained their guy to be that way.
Call me old-fashioned, but knowing another guy might come along and sweep his girl off her feet made was pretty good motivation, back in the day.
Turn into Judge Judy some afternoon and see the parade of girls trying to get back the money they loaned to some loser. He's claiming it was a "gift" and she's out hundreds or thousands. You have to ask yourself, what was she thinking?
She was thinking she was getting Clark Gable but she ended up with Adam Sandler.
As a culture we train boys to stay boys. They never grow up. They fail to take responsibility for themselves and the babies they make... so does that Windex commercial represent reality not parody? I don't know.
But I do know sitting next to a very masculine man watching a commercial depict another man as a stooge gave me a sharp pang of conscience. It got me thinking, What can I do, this week, today to celebrate masculinity? How can I change the cultural message?
Any suggestions?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Teen's Pact to Get Pregnant
Seventeen girls in at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts got pregnant. This is a 400% increase over the normal rate of pregnancies.
It all started last October when the school nurse practitioner noticed a lot of girls coming in for pregnancy tests. She and the head of the clinic immediately went to the school board to insist this "epidemic" of pregnancies meant that the school needed to pass out birth control --- with or without parental permission. The school district said, "No," and the two resigned in protest.
They have to feel pretty silly now to find out they quit over a non-issue.
See, the girls didn't get pregnant by accident, or because they had no access to birth control. They got pregnant because they made a pact to "raise their children together." According to reports most of the babies fathers are over 20, and one of the "dads" is a homeless man they paid to get them pregnant.
Let me explain how this can happen...
Step into the mind of a 14 year old GHS student in June of '07.
It's the end of your freshman year of high school. You just saw the movie Juno about a teenager who gets pregnant. You have completed your sex education unit where you were encouraged to use pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms if you didn't want to get pregnant. Then you were taken over to the school's free on-site daycare center and told by the director, "We're proud to help mothers stay in school."
You discover that one of your role models, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant and going to keep her baby. You and your friends talk all summer about how great it would be to have a baby, baby showers, lots of attention, and how, as long as there was SOMEONE around to help, having a baby would be wonderful.
You already know you don't need the baby's father --- after all didn't Jodie Foster have a baby with no dad? What about Halle Berry? And Jessica Alba? Lots of people are single parents.
If all these women can do it, you reason, then why not us?
I've spent enough time with teens to tell you, that's exactly what went on in their heads.
She can vividly imagine the fuss that will be made over her, the presents and how she will quickly get her figure back --- just like Angelina did.
Command central in a 14 year old's head is the amygdala, the source of her emotions and impulses. The reasoning part of her brain is still under construction so she is not capable of understanding the longterm consequences of her decision. Its not that she's ignoring the data she's been given.
It's that she can't understand it. Literally.
She's not stupid. But data about the hardships of single parenthood, the studies showing teen moms living in poverty and not finishing school, that stuff means nothing to her.
Being a single mom is portrayed as effortless by the media --- and it probably is when you're a celebrity like Jamie Lynn Spears. She has nannies and assistants to ease any inconvenience.
Emotionally, the girls identify with Jamie Lynn and Juno. Not to mention they each imagine the fun of being just like her best friends who will all have babies too.
These girls are not an anomaly...what's happening in Massachusetts is coming to a state near YOU.
There is a well-financed and media-backed movement to get free daycare, birth control and condoms (with or without parental consent) in every U.S. public school. Threatening lawsuits, the ACLU is demanding sex education programs which draw no distinction in risk, fidelity or child-rearing between heterosexuals and homosexuals. They insist our laws require schools to teach that ALL types of family combinations (single-parent, gay/lesbian, blended or cohabiting) produce the same level of security and happiness as traditional families do.
The state of Massachusetts has adopted every single one of these "progressive" recommendations from the "safe sex" coalition. Hmmm.
According the CDC, since 2006, when the ACLU and other advocates began their campaign to eliminate abstinence education from public schools, there has been an increase in the national rate of teen pregnancies for the first time in FOURTEEN YEARS.
Ok, so let's review. The schools (by law) promote multiple partner lifestyles, minimize the inherent dangers of promiscuity, eliminate heterosexual marriage as the ideal, glorify celebrities who think fathers are unnecessary... and then they're "shocked" that teen pregnancies have gone up.
Maybe teenagers aren't the only ones who fail to use the reasoning part of their brain.
It all started last October when the school nurse practitioner noticed a lot of girls coming in for pregnancy tests. She and the head of the clinic immediately went to the school board to insist this "epidemic" of pregnancies meant that the school needed to pass out birth control --- with or without parental permission. The school district said, "No," and the two resigned in protest.
They have to feel pretty silly now to find out they quit over a non-issue.
See, the girls didn't get pregnant by accident, or because they had no access to birth control. They got pregnant because they made a pact to "raise their children together." According to reports most of the babies fathers are over 20, and one of the "dads" is a homeless man they paid to get them pregnant.
Let me explain how this can happen...
Step into the mind of a 14 year old GHS student in June of '07.
It's the end of your freshman year of high school. You just saw the movie Juno about a teenager who gets pregnant. You have completed your sex education unit where you were encouraged to use pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms if you didn't want to get pregnant. Then you were taken over to the school's free on-site daycare center and told by the director, "We're proud to help mothers stay in school."
You discover that one of your role models, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant and going to keep her baby. You and your friends talk all summer about how great it would be to have a baby, baby showers, lots of attention, and how, as long as there was SOMEONE around to help, having a baby would be wonderful.
You already know you don't need the baby's father --- after all didn't Jodie Foster have a baby with no dad? What about Halle Berry? And Jessica Alba? Lots of people are single parents.
If all these women can do it, you reason, then why not us?
I've spent enough time with teens to tell you, that's exactly what went on in their heads.
She can vividly imagine the fuss that will be made over her, the presents and how she will quickly get her figure back --- just like Angelina did.
Command central in a 14 year old's head is the amygdala, the source of her emotions and impulses. The reasoning part of her brain is still under construction so she is not capable of understanding the longterm consequences of her decision. Its not that she's ignoring the data she's been given.
It's that she can't understand it. Literally.
She's not stupid. But data about the hardships of single parenthood, the studies showing teen moms living in poverty and not finishing school, that stuff means nothing to her.
Being a single mom is portrayed as effortless by the media --- and it probably is when you're a celebrity like Jamie Lynn Spears. She has nannies and assistants to ease any inconvenience.
Emotionally, the girls identify with Jamie Lynn and Juno. Not to mention they each imagine the fun of being just like her best friends who will all have babies too.
These girls are not an anomaly...what's happening in Massachusetts is coming to a state near YOU.
There is a well-financed and media-backed movement to get free daycare, birth control and condoms (with or without parental consent) in every U.S. public school. Threatening lawsuits, the ACLU is demanding sex education programs which draw no distinction in risk, fidelity or child-rearing between heterosexuals and homosexuals. They insist our laws require schools to teach that ALL types of family combinations (single-parent, gay/lesbian, blended or cohabiting) produce the same level of security and happiness as traditional families do.
The state of Massachusetts has adopted every single one of these "progressive" recommendations from the "safe sex" coalition. Hmmm.
According the CDC, since 2006, when the ACLU and other advocates began their campaign to eliminate abstinence education from public schools, there has been an increase in the national rate of teen pregnancies for the first time in FOURTEEN YEARS.
Ok, so let's review. The schools (by law) promote multiple partner lifestyles, minimize the inherent dangers of promiscuity, eliminate heterosexual marriage as the ideal, glorify celebrities who think fathers are unnecessary... and then they're "shocked" that teen pregnancies have gone up.
Maybe teenagers aren't the only ones who fail to use the reasoning part of their brain.
Monday, June 9, 2008
What's going on in their heads?
Because the brain reaches adult size by age 6, child development experts have assumed those early years are the most critical. While those years are very important, new information shows us that the brain is actually continuing to develop until much later.
Dr. Jay Giedd, a neuroscientist at the National Institutes for Health, is the leading authority in the field of brain development using MRI technology. He says “The brain produces way more cells and connections than can possibly survive. There's only so many nutrients, there's only so many growth factors, there's only so much room in the skull… there is a fierce, competitive elimination, in which the brain cells and connections fight it out for survival. Only a small percentage of the cells and connections make it.”
As the child moves through puberty, connections that are frequently used become hard-wired... and the ones which are not wither and die.
Dr. Giedd explains, “Much like Michelangelo's David, you start out with a huge block of granite at the peak at the puberty years. Then the art is created by removing pieces of the granite. [That] is the way the brain also sculpts itself. The advances come from actually taking away and pruning down of [various neural] connections themselves.”
This information should make parents reconsider behavioral factors which will have a negative impact on physical brains structures. For instance,
- Long hours playing video games instead of in social interaction, will have an affect on relational skills.
- Permissive home environments where impulsive behavior is left uncorrected, will impede a young adult's ability to delay gratification.
- Drugs or alcohol killing off or retarding the developing brain cells, will cause the construction of new neural pathways to be more difficult.
- Exposure to pornography strengthens the neural pathways producing dopamine (the hormone that stimulates the pleasure center of the brain), and could result in overly sexualized behavior.
The long-term studies of MRIs show the pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain involved in planning, long-term consequences and judgment) is not fully developed until about age 25. So, an adolescent’s brain is simply not capable of filtering information as an adult. The connections are not there yet. Understanding these limitations will dramatically impact your relationship with teens.
A real-life example of this would be when Dad tells his teenage daughter, “Don’t get pregnant.” By this he means, “A baby would interrupt school and other wonderful experiences. I want you to have a full rich life and being a struggling teen mom isn’t what I want for my beautiful daughter.”
But what his daughter hears is, “If you do get pregnant, you better have an abortion because I will be disappointed in you.”
Her brain can’t project into the future to grasp the daily hardship of being a teenage mom, so she focuses on the emotions such a statement produces. She isn’t stupid. She's using the part of her brain that IS fully developed.
The most active part of the adolescent brain is the amygdala (the center of impulse and emotions). Facts and figures that a teen cannot “picture” for themselves will remain unprocessed. Basically, it's "in there" but without any meaning or point of reference --- maybe for years until new pathways in the brain develop. Experts recommend
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Marriage From A Teen's Point of View
Talking to teens about marriage produces interesting conversations. Their view of why or why not to marry, what they think marriage will look like and how they intend to go about making that choice can be a little discouraging.
Now that the Supreme court of California has redefined for all Californians what "marriage" will be, there are sure to be even more misconceptions.
Let me tell you what the teens in the Los Angeles area that I talk to think about marriage. They today no longer consider themselves "single" if they have had the "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" talk. That's it.
In my conversations, the following relationships are seen as EQUIVALENT:
Here's something else that's scary: They also think the main reason that people don't get married is because they didn't have the money for a "Party."
Most teens I talk to are very sympathetic to same-sex marriage because, for them, its really about whether or not you get to have the Party.
They don't understand the legal ramifications of redefining the word marriage, of course. Based on what they perceive adults are doing, moving in, breaking up, having a Baby's Daddy or a Baby's Mama, divorce, infidelity, living together until something better comes along... Does it really matter if gay people get to have the same fluidity?
Not to the teens I talk to.
As a result of those talks, we developed a specific presentation called "10 Steps For Choosing A Good Mate (Or How To Avoid Ending Up With A Weenie)". Using the same relational research that eharmony and Match.com use, we layout the pattern for success in relationships. The same pattern holds for every country, religion and culture. FOLLOW these steps, you make a good match. FAIL to do them, make a poor match.
What's amazing is how relieved the students are when we're done. They feel empowered that they have something tangible to guide them. Something more reliable than the "magical tingly feelings."
Its not unusual for students who recognize us around town years after we were in their classroom to tell us they "still have the list" or they are remembering to apply some specific tip from it.
This past January, we ran into two of our former students (now in their 20's), who work at Macy's. Calling out to us as if we were celebrities, they wanted us to know they had just the day before been telling a co-worker why moving in with her boyfriend was a mistake. As they went down the list we gave them in the 7th GRADE, these two girls were letting their friend know, this particular young man was not a good match for her. (We called this "having a committee.") Our former students wanted this young woman to raise her standards.
Yes, "the List" has some pretty old-fashioned ideas on it... like you should share the same interests and beliefs in some key areas... that you should evaluate their family life in anticipation of having that duplicated... and that managing money is the Number One skill couples MUST have before they marry.
What is so sad to me, is traditional marriage: one man, one woman faithfully committed for a lifetime, providing an optimum environment in which to raise children will now been seen as even less important and valuable than before.
Hundreds of studies show it's traditionally married people who:
Now that the Supreme court of California has redefined for all Californians what "marriage" will be, there are sure to be even more misconceptions.
Let me tell you what the teens in the Los Angeles area that I talk to think about marriage. They today no longer consider themselves "single" if they have had the "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" talk. That's it.
In my conversations, the following relationships are seen as EQUIVALENT:
- Two people who are seeing each other exclusively for some period of time
- Two people who live together
- Two people who live together and have children, but are not married
- Two people who have taken legal public vows
Here's something else that's scary: They also think the main reason that people don't get married is because they didn't have the money for a "Party."
Most teens I talk to are very sympathetic to same-sex marriage because, for them, its really about whether or not you get to have the Party.
They don't understand the legal ramifications of redefining the word marriage, of course. Based on what they perceive adults are doing, moving in, breaking up, having a Baby's Daddy or a Baby's Mama, divorce, infidelity, living together until something better comes along... Does it really matter if gay people get to have the same fluidity?
Not to the teens I talk to.
As a result of those talks, we developed a specific presentation called "10 Steps For Choosing A Good Mate (Or How To Avoid Ending Up With A Weenie)". Using the same relational research that eharmony and Match.com use, we layout the pattern for success in relationships. The same pattern holds for every country, religion and culture. FOLLOW these steps, you make a good match. FAIL to do them, make a poor match.
What's amazing is how relieved the students are when we're done. They feel empowered that they have something tangible to guide them. Something more reliable than the "magical tingly feelings."
Its not unusual for students who recognize us around town years after we were in their classroom to tell us they "still have the list" or they are remembering to apply some specific tip from it.
This past January, we ran into two of our former students (now in their 20's), who work at Macy's. Calling out to us as if we were celebrities, they wanted us to know they had just the day before been telling a co-worker why moving in with her boyfriend was a mistake. As they went down the list we gave them in the 7th GRADE, these two girls were letting their friend know, this particular young man was not a good match for her. (We called this "having a committee.") Our former students wanted this young woman to raise her standards.
Yes, "the List" has some pretty old-fashioned ideas on it... like you should share the same interests and beliefs in some key areas... that you should evaluate their family life in anticipation of having that duplicated... and that managing money is the Number One skill couples MUST have before they marry.
What is so sad to me, is traditional marriage: one man, one woman faithfully committed for a lifetime, providing an optimum environment in which to raise children will now been seen as even less important and valuable than before.
Hundreds of studies show it's traditionally married people who:
- live longest
- make and save the most money
- have the best sex lives
- have fewer emotional problems
- described themselves as happy and satisfied
- have children who go to college
- have far fewer children with emotional problems
- are less likely to abuse chemicals
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Virgins & Oral Sex
A new study about oral sex is about to be published in the July issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health. The analysis of a federal survey released yesterday, found that more than half of 2,200 males and females aged 15 to 19, reported having had oral sex.
The revelation making the news is that virgins were much less likely to engage in oral sex than sexually experienced teens. Eighty-seven percent (87%) of teens who had "real sex" were also engaging in oral sex. Only 23% of virgins were engaging in this behavior.
This is good news... since there has been concern that teens were using oral sex to "preserve" their virginity. This study is the first to actually ask the question.
Here is my opinion. Based on my conversations with teens in every walk of life over 10 years, I can say, teens know that "protection" exists. They are not uninformed about the availability of condoms and/or birth control (although there is a great deal of MISinformation mixed in with what they know.)
BUT, they don't want to use it. The problem is NOT that they don't know they should. The problems isn't that they don't know how to get it or how to use it. They don't WANT to use it. It works like this...
Phase One: Two virgins are curious about sex. There has been some kissing and touching that produces really great feelings. They aren't thinking, "This could lead to sex, I better get protection." They're thinking, "We'll just keep doing this. There's no risk in this." Then, well... they don't call it foreplay for nothing. End result, they didn't use protection because they "weren't planning to have sex."
Phase Two: Nothing terrible happened, although SHE has just sweat bullets until her period came. She has The Talk where she tells him, "That was really risky. I don't want to do that anymore." He's thinking, "Are you crazy?! That was great! You better believe I want to do that again!" But he says, "Sure. Whatever you want. We don't have to do it. I can wait until you're ready."
In the meantime, he's looking at whatever will remove the obstacles to doing it again. Thus, he introduces the possibility of using protection... usually condoms. She receives this information as a form of his concern for her safety. BUT, if he actually brings condoms to their next rendezvous, the encounter will lose some of the spontaneity and she feels let down.
Phase Three: She becomes focused on not getting pregnant, but he has subtly ramped up the pressure to be sexually intimate. "Protection" seems so mundane and makes their "love" feel somehow lessened. So, one of them suggests oral sex. HE because he wants to remove any and all obstacles which might impede his next orgasm. SHE because she wants to preserve the relationship without "ruining her life."
Phase Four: Their relationship inevitably ends and they move on to other people. Oral sex for her in subsequent relationships seems like a way to eliminate the constant pressure for sex without being vulnerable to the risks. Oral sex for him is easily presented to the next girl as an option which "costs her nothing." It is extremely rare that girls are the recipient of oral sex... make of that what you will.
Phase Five: These teens hear a Positively Waiting presentation. First revelation: Any STD that can live between someone's legs will also live in another person's mouth. They are convinced (finally!) that protection is also necessary if they engage in oral sex. In future sexual encounters they can't help but think, "Umm, where has this body part been?"
Second revelation: The memories of those intimate experiences don't go away just because they have changed partners. Now they KNOW each experience and all the emotions tied to it will compile one upon another. The pain and fear and vivid memories will lurk in the shadows, ready to appear at inopportune moments.
If they choose to continue sexual activity (oral, anal or vaginal) now they KNOW they must use protection at all times, if they want to avoid risk. The decision to actively use protection and/or birth control makes it very hard to convince themselves that sex is a way of expressing "their love."
Phase Six: They pretend sex is just a sport. "It's fun. We're being responsible. No one's getting hurt. Sex helps us get to know each other." In other words, they become US.
We produce another generation that can't bond, that takes risks with other people's lives, that never develops relational skills and then walks away when it gets too hard.
Does anyone market "protection" against that?
The revelation making the news is that virgins were much less likely to engage in oral sex than sexually experienced teens. Eighty-seven percent (87%) of teens who had "real sex" were also engaging in oral sex. Only 23% of virgins were engaging in this behavior.
This is good news... since there has been concern that teens were using oral sex to "preserve" their virginity. This study is the first to actually ask the question.
Here is my opinion. Based on my conversations with teens in every walk of life over 10 years, I can say, teens know that "protection" exists. They are not uninformed about the availability of condoms and/or birth control (although there is a great deal of MISinformation mixed in with what they know.)
BUT, they don't want to use it. The problem is NOT that they don't know they should. The problems isn't that they don't know how to get it or how to use it. They don't WANT to use it. It works like this...
Phase One: Two virgins are curious about sex. There has been some kissing and touching that produces really great feelings. They aren't thinking, "This could lead to sex, I better get protection." They're thinking, "We'll just keep doing this. There's no risk in this." Then, well... they don't call it foreplay for nothing. End result, they didn't use protection because they "weren't planning to have sex."
Phase Two: Nothing terrible happened, although SHE has just sweat bullets until her period came. She has The Talk where she tells him, "That was really risky. I don't want to do that anymore." He's thinking, "Are you crazy?! That was great! You better believe I want to do that again!" But he says, "Sure. Whatever you want. We don't have to do it. I can wait until you're ready."
In the meantime, he's looking at whatever will remove the obstacles to doing it again. Thus, he introduces the possibility of using protection... usually condoms. She receives this information as a form of his concern for her safety. BUT, if he actually brings condoms to their next rendezvous, the encounter will lose some of the spontaneity and she feels let down.
Phase Three: She becomes focused on not getting pregnant, but he has subtly ramped up the pressure to be sexually intimate. "Protection" seems so mundane and makes their "love" feel somehow lessened. So, one of them suggests oral sex. HE because he wants to remove any and all obstacles which might impede his next orgasm. SHE because she wants to preserve the relationship without "ruining her life."
Phase Four: Their relationship inevitably ends and they move on to other people. Oral sex for her in subsequent relationships seems like a way to eliminate the constant pressure for sex without being vulnerable to the risks. Oral sex for him is easily presented to the next girl as an option which "costs her nothing." It is extremely rare that girls are the recipient of oral sex... make of that what you will.
Phase Five: These teens hear a Positively Waiting presentation. First revelation: Any STD that can live between someone's legs will also live in another person's mouth. They are convinced (finally!) that protection is also necessary if they engage in oral sex. In future sexual encounters they can't help but think, "Umm, where has this body part been?"
Second revelation: The memories of those intimate experiences don't go away just because they have changed partners. Now they KNOW each experience and all the emotions tied to it will compile one upon another. The pain and fear and vivid memories will lurk in the shadows, ready to appear at inopportune moments.
If they choose to continue sexual activity (oral, anal or vaginal) now they KNOW they must use protection at all times, if they want to avoid risk. The decision to actively use protection and/or birth control makes it very hard to convince themselves that sex is a way of expressing "their love."
Phase Six: They pretend sex is just a sport. "It's fun. We're being responsible. No one's getting hurt. Sex helps us get to know each other." In other words, they become US.
We produce another generation that can't bond, that takes risks with other people's lives, that never develops relational skills and then walks away when it gets too hard.
Does anyone market "protection" against that?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Magical Tingly Deceiving Feelings
I have two older sisters who gave me the following advice about love: "When its the REAL thing, you'll just know."
They gave me this advice (in slightly superior tones) when I was perhaps 10 or 11, after telling me that the feelings I had for some boy was "puppy love." Since I always looked up to my sisters, I accepted their council as from on high.
Then, at about 14, I had a physiological response to a boy that I had NEVER FELT BEFORE. The muscles in my stomach tightened up, an electrical current rushed up my spine, inside I was trembling with excitement. "THIS," I thought, "is the REAL thing."
Of course, now I know its hormones.
I bring this up to beg you parents/teachers/youth pastors PLEASE, please, talk to your children about those powerful and confusing feelings.
In my talks to teens, I relate the above story. We all get a big laugh out of how silly it is to think the magical tingly feeling is love... ha, ha. I see them glance at each other and laugh, but in anonymous written feedback, again and again, I see "Thank you for telling me what Real Love it. I was trusting those feelings too."
I hear so often about pain and frustration caused by relying on the movies to determine what love is. If I could have a private talk with every parent of teens I would say, "Prepare them: Talk about the tingly feelings that will come. Talk about love-in-action versus, love in words. Talk about sexual bonding hormones (see article at http://www.positivelywaiting.com/sexual_bonding.html ). Discuss loving behavior (as in, when you love someone you don't put them at risk, you respect their boundaries and values...etc.)
So often, teens tell me they never talk to their parents about crushes because they believe Mom and Dad never had these feelings. Most adults realize as they matured that the crush-of-the-week wasn't real, and dismiss those fleeting feelings... especially as they come to understand (usually the Hard Way) what it takes to have a mature and lasting love. But for a teen, they have nothing to compare to those magical tingly feelings. If moms and dads aren't talking about how they, too, were fooled when they were young, it's not hard to imagine teens may be relying on advice similar to what my sisters told me.
My heart just breaks when I talk to young girls, 14 or 15, who "gave it up" to the first boy they had those feelings for, who was able to convince them it was "love." They are embarrassed and ashamed they got fooled. But at the time, the unexpected rush of electricity overcame their good judgment. If only they had been prepared by the ones who love them the most.
Mom, Dad, if you don't know what to say, try this:
Teen years a so critical. This is the season of your life when you start discovering your talents and abilities, and when you begin practicing relationship skills. Your friendships will be hugely important to you. But this is also a time when your body starts giving signals that are confusing. I promise you, there will be someone who, when you just see them for a second, will make your heart pound, your face flush and your muscles spasm. You won't be able to stop thinking about them. And it is really easy to believe they are the only thing in the world that matters.
It doesn't mean what you are feeling isn't real. It is, but it isn't a love-that-lasts-forever. Someone who has those powerful feelings for you at 15, may not have the same powerful feelings for you at 20. You know how much you have changed just since you were 10? You don't care about the same things, don't want to play with the same toys. The amount of change you experienced in just the last 5 years, is NOTHING compared to what will have in the next 5. You will have an explosion of new experiences. Your tastes will change. Your skills and preferences will mature. The person you are now may not be the the person you are in 5 years. Someone who "loves" you at 15, may try to keep you exactly like you are now and actually limit your potential. The same is true for you about them... you may not like who they become either.
The most important skills for you to work on right now, is how to understand and relate to people think and process very differently from you. Learn to negotiate. Practice resolving conflicts. Discover shared interests. These are skills you will need to be able to recognize your True Love, and to be able to be successful in your relationships.
The magical tingly feelings are fun, but they won't last. And they aren't reliable because feelings change.
***
How do I know this will work? Because this is exactly what I say to the teens when they confide to me they got fooled.
They tell me it's a relief to have something concrete to move forward with. And they tell me it means a lot to talk to an adult who cares and understands what its like. So often I hear how their experiences are dismissed by adults who know how little it will matter in 5 years. The problem is RIGHT NOW, they need help to process the experience, to put it in perspective.
My parents never knew about the first serious crush I had. I was 13, being picked up from junior high school by a boy who was 16. NOW, I know I was just an easy target. He almost convinced me to have sex with him. The only reason I decided against it was while he was waiting for me to give in, I found out he had sex with one of my friends (also 13). The confusion of the sweet talk, the pressure, the tingly feelings --- and later the betrayal, the hurt, the rejection --- led to suicidal thoughts when it was over. I was all alone with those terrifying feelings, with the intense pressure, and with wanting to die just to stop the pain.
While your son or daughter may never get themselves into the same situation, they ARE going to be pressured and confused. Guaranteed. So please try. If it looks like they're blowing you off, try again in a different way. Afterwards, listen, relate what they say to your own experience. Then try again.
Most importantly, don't forget, its not just ONE talk. Think of it the same way you do when you want them to do their chores, Repeat, Remind, Reward.
They gave me this advice (in slightly superior tones) when I was perhaps 10 or 11, after telling me that the feelings I had for some boy was "puppy love." Since I always looked up to my sisters, I accepted their council as from on high.
Then, at about 14, I had a physiological response to a boy that I had NEVER FELT BEFORE. The muscles in my stomach tightened up, an electrical current rushed up my spine, inside I was trembling with excitement. "THIS," I thought, "is the REAL thing."
Of course, now I know its hormones.
I bring this up to beg you parents/teachers/youth pastors PLEASE, please, talk to your children about those powerful and confusing feelings.
In my talks to teens, I relate the above story. We all get a big laugh out of how silly it is to think the magical tingly feeling is love... ha, ha. I see them glance at each other and laugh, but in anonymous written feedback, again and again, I see "Thank you for telling me what Real Love it. I was trusting those feelings too."
I hear so often about pain and frustration caused by relying on the movies to determine what love is. If I could have a private talk with every parent of teens I would say, "Prepare them: Talk about the tingly feelings that will come. Talk about love-in-action versus, love in words. Talk about sexual bonding hormones (see article at http://www.positivelywaiting.com/sexual_bonding.html ). Discuss loving behavior (as in, when you love someone you don't put them at risk, you respect their boundaries and values...etc.)
So often, teens tell me they never talk to their parents about crushes because they believe Mom and Dad never had these feelings. Most adults realize as they matured that the crush-of-the-week wasn't real, and dismiss those fleeting feelings... especially as they come to understand (usually the Hard Way) what it takes to have a mature and lasting love. But for a teen, they have nothing to compare to those magical tingly feelings. If moms and dads aren't talking about how they, too, were fooled when they were young, it's not hard to imagine teens may be relying on advice similar to what my sisters told me.
My heart just breaks when I talk to young girls, 14 or 15, who "gave it up" to the first boy they had those feelings for, who was able to convince them it was "love." They are embarrassed and ashamed they got fooled. But at the time, the unexpected rush of electricity overcame their good judgment. If only they had been prepared by the ones who love them the most.
Mom, Dad, if you don't know what to say, try this:
Teen years a so critical. This is the season of your life when you start discovering your talents and abilities, and when you begin practicing relationship skills. Your friendships will be hugely important to you. But this is also a time when your body starts giving signals that are confusing. I promise you, there will be someone who, when you just see them for a second, will make your heart pound, your face flush and your muscles spasm. You won't be able to stop thinking about them. And it is really easy to believe they are the only thing in the world that matters.
It doesn't mean what you are feeling isn't real. It is, but it isn't a love-that-lasts-forever. Someone who has those powerful feelings for you at 15, may not have the same powerful feelings for you at 20. You know how much you have changed just since you were 10? You don't care about the same things, don't want to play with the same toys. The amount of change you experienced in just the last 5 years, is NOTHING compared to what will have in the next 5. You will have an explosion of new experiences. Your tastes will change. Your skills and preferences will mature. The person you are now may not be the the person you are in 5 years. Someone who "loves" you at 15, may try to keep you exactly like you are now and actually limit your potential. The same is true for you about them... you may not like who they become either.
The most important skills for you to work on right now, is how to understand and relate to people think and process very differently from you. Learn to negotiate. Practice resolving conflicts. Discover shared interests. These are skills you will need to be able to recognize your True Love, and to be able to be successful in your relationships.
The magical tingly feelings are fun, but they won't last. And they aren't reliable because feelings change.
***
How do I know this will work? Because this is exactly what I say to the teens when they confide to me they got fooled.
They tell me it's a relief to have something concrete to move forward with. And they tell me it means a lot to talk to an adult who cares and understands what its like. So often I hear how their experiences are dismissed by adults who know how little it will matter in 5 years. The problem is RIGHT NOW, they need help to process the experience, to put it in perspective.
My parents never knew about the first serious crush I had. I was 13, being picked up from junior high school by a boy who was 16. NOW, I know I was just an easy target. He almost convinced me to have sex with him. The only reason I decided against it was while he was waiting for me to give in, I found out he had sex with one of my friends (also 13). The confusion of the sweet talk, the pressure, the tingly feelings --- and later the betrayal, the hurt, the rejection --- led to suicidal thoughts when it was over. I was all alone with those terrifying feelings, with the intense pressure, and with wanting to die just to stop the pain.
While your son or daughter may never get themselves into the same situation, they ARE going to be pressured and confused. Guaranteed. So please try. If it looks like they're blowing you off, try again in a different way. Afterwards, listen, relate what they say to your own experience. Then try again.
Most importantly, don't forget, its not just ONE talk. Think of it the same way you do when you want them to do their chores, Repeat, Remind, Reward.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Contrasts
A young black male asked me with total seriousness, "Is it true the government invented AIDS to kill us?"
I was at one of the local juvenile probation camps. This teenage boy had just listened attentively to my talk about sexual self-control. After hearing me be real about my own poor decisions as a teenager, I guess he decided I would also be truthful about this.
The first time I was asked, I remember I thought they were just trying to shock me. They ask some pretty silly things sometimes. One "tip" they tell me related by older black men is that you can tell if a girl has an STD by putting ear wax on your finger and inserting it in her vagina... if she "jumps" then she's probably got something.
I'm not kidding.
But I get that question about the government injecting AIDS into the the black community fairly often. They don't seem satisfied when I tell them it isn't true.
I can't help but contrast that with the phone calls made to Planned Parenthood where a "plant" made uncontested racist statements and wanted assurances that his "donation" would specifically fund abortions of black babies. The response of the Planned Parenthood administrator was absolutely that he could target his money to be used that way and she was "excited" to receive the contribution. You can hear the recording of the conversation on YouTube. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Eygv8qEkiFE
While the government did not inject AIDS into the African-American community, they do give millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood so they can run abortion clinics in minority neighborhoods. In this upside-down world, access to abortions is a "right" that before Roe v. Wade was only offered to rich white folks.
Planned Parenthood is considered an ally of minorities. The federal funding of abstinence education is considered an attack on minorities.
Follow the the thinking here: An organization receiving federal funding, which provides government-funded birth control and should it fail, government-funded abortion services... with clinics primarily located in the black and Hispanic communities... whose basic mission is to limit the number of babies born is considered a "friend" of those communities.
An organization teaching young people of all races that they can control their sexual passions, and which has NO financial gain other than a society of better citizens and stronger families... is considered their adversary.
Does anyone else see a problem with this?
I was at one of the local juvenile probation camps. This teenage boy had just listened attentively to my talk about sexual self-control. After hearing me be real about my own poor decisions as a teenager, I guess he decided I would also be truthful about this.
The first time I was asked, I remember I thought they were just trying to shock me. They ask some pretty silly things sometimes. One "tip" they tell me related by older black men is that you can tell if a girl has an STD by putting ear wax on your finger and inserting it in her vagina... if she "jumps" then she's probably got something.
I'm not kidding.
But I get that question about the government injecting AIDS into the the black community fairly often. They don't seem satisfied when I tell them it isn't true.
I can't help but contrast that with the phone calls made to Planned Parenthood where a "plant" made uncontested racist statements and wanted assurances that his "donation" would specifically fund abortions of black babies. The response of the Planned Parenthood administrator was absolutely that he could target his money to be used that way and she was "excited" to receive the contribution. You can hear the recording of the conversation on YouTube. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Eygv8qEkiFE
While the government did not inject AIDS into the African-American community, they do give millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood so they can run abortion clinics in minority neighborhoods. In this upside-down world, access to abortions is a "right" that before Roe v. Wade was only offered to rich white folks.
Planned Parenthood is considered an ally of minorities. The federal funding of abstinence education is considered an attack on minorities.
Follow the the thinking here: An organization receiving federal funding, which provides government-funded birth control and should it fail, government-funded abortion services... with clinics primarily located in the black and Hispanic communities... whose basic mission is to limit the number of babies born is considered a "friend" of those communities.
An organization teaching young people of all races that they can control their sexual passions, and which has NO financial gain other than a society of better citizens and stronger families... is considered their adversary.
Does anyone else see a problem with this?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Day of Silence, Day of Truth
Friday, April 25th is the "Day of Silence" sponsored by the Gal Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Students, some with tape over their mouth, will hand out cards when called on which state their support for homosexual students who have been bullied into silence.
Monday, April 28th is the "Day of Truth" sponsored by some pro-family groups as a counter-balance. Students will also hand out cards (but not during class) which promote respectful dialogue about homosexuality.
Is it just me, or does this seem like a crazy environment for CHILDREN to learn? I saw one "testimony" about a substitute teacher who couldn't be silent so he opted for a t-shirt that promoted homosexuality and "educated his EIGHTH GRADERS."
I know some eighth graders. They are 12 and 13... they are worried about pimples, braces, teasing, new body odors and algebra. Do we really need to add the politics of sex to their day?
I have very strong beliefs (as I bet you do) about homosexuality and its impact on people and society. Debating those issues gets adults wound up and heated. What does it do to children who are accustomed to being directed and guided by adults? How does a 13-year-old reconcile a favorite teacher's beliefs when they conflict with what mom or dad says? Is it fair to ask the child to "take sides"... and then expect them to just go about their day?
Isn't forcing children to take sides in such a contentious forum a form of bullying too?
I'm going to default to what I have said in the past and will argue in the future. There are NO benefits to adolescent sexual activity. NONE. Sexual behavior in teens is linked to:
They banned sodas and sugary snacks to keep kids from being tempted to eat poorly, but you should see what your child's school can put up to "promote" tolerance of homosexuality.
Monday, April 28th is the "Day of Truth" sponsored by some pro-family groups as a counter-balance. Students will also hand out cards (but not during class) which promote respectful dialogue about homosexuality.
Is it just me, or does this seem like a crazy environment for CHILDREN to learn? I saw one "testimony" about a substitute teacher who couldn't be silent so he opted for a t-shirt that promoted homosexuality and "educated his EIGHTH GRADERS."
I know some eighth graders. They are 12 and 13... they are worried about pimples, braces, teasing, new body odors and algebra. Do we really need to add the politics of sex to their day?
I have very strong beliefs (as I bet you do) about homosexuality and its impact on people and society. Debating those issues gets adults wound up and heated. What does it do to children who are accustomed to being directed and guided by adults? How does a 13-year-old reconcile a favorite teacher's beliefs when they conflict with what mom or dad says? Is it fair to ask the child to "take sides"... and then expect them to just go about their day?
Isn't forcing children to take sides in such a contentious forum a form of bullying too?
I'm going to default to what I have said in the past and will argue in the future. There are NO benefits to adolescent sexual activity. NONE. Sexual behavior in teens is linked to:
- emotional problems like depression and suicidal thoughts
- risky behavior like smoking, drinking and drug abuse
- higher drop-out rates
- difficulty bonding in future relationships
- non-martial pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections
They banned sodas and sugary snacks to keep kids from being tempted to eat poorly, but you should see what your child's school can put up to "promote" tolerance of homosexuality.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Really BAD Abstinence Ed.
I was reminded today of the two contestants on American Idol who "promoted" abstinence education. One was a middle aged man who sang a song called "No Sex!" and the other was a high school student who wanted Simon Cowell to know it would "just be better" if he waited for sex until marriage. They, like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live and the "coach" at the beginning of Mean Girls, give abstinence a bad name. We do look utterly foolish when we pretend sex is bad, dirty or evil.
The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:
I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.
More next time...
The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:
- Data Dumping: Scary statistics, graphic pictures of diseased genitals and study after depressing study on the negative consequences of non-marital sexual activity. It does produce a fairly impressive eeyewuuww! factor, but information doesn't change behavior.
- The Sleeping Beauty Method: extreme censorship of any and all material which might inspire a sexual thought. This is a favorite of churched families, generally based on the wrong belief that preventing ALL exposure to the sex-saturated culture as a young person will somehow keep them from wanting to have sex. It makes mom and dad feel good, but leaves the child totally unprepared from the onslaught of emotions and desire they have when they step outside the cocoon.
- Lowering the Bar: changing the standard to something other than wait for marriage, most often, "wait until you're ready/older/in a committed relationship." This are vague and unspecific targets which have broad interpretations. An adult's interpretation of the "commitment" stage is very different from a 14-year old's.
I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.
More next time...
Friday, April 4, 2008
LAUSD and Me
From 1998 until December of 2006, my husband and I talked to teens in LA Unified Schools (mostly in the San Fernando Valley). A frank talk about living with the consequences of sex really impacted their perspective about sex, about "safe sex" and about not "doing it."
BUT... in December of 2006, LAUSD made us stop. They were worried about "discrimination" and "medical accuracy." OK. We worked the system. Lots of legal hoop jumping, delays, written proposals and more delays... In the end, they have decided:
1) We are not qualified to tell our own story
2) While the whole point of our story is that "safe sex" failed us, in order to come back to LAUSD schools, we would have to include tell students there are "other FDA approved methods for preventing pregnancy and contracting STDS" [Note: That means we have to encourage them to use condoms.]
The absurdity is the FDA and the CDC will only say "Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases."
REDUCE the risk???!! By how much? The rates vary depending on the disease, whose infected and what type of sexual activity they're engaging in...
(You didn't really believe a condom gave you 100% protection, did you?)
So, back to LAUSD... if we agree to tell students something we KNOW experientially didn't work for us, and we can PROVE scientifically won't work for THEM, the district will allow us to talk to the students... oh wait, I forgot. We aren't qualified to tell our own story.
BUT... in December of 2006, LAUSD made us stop. They were worried about "discrimination" and "medical accuracy." OK. We worked the system. Lots of legal hoop jumping, delays, written proposals and more delays... In the end, they have decided:
1) We are not qualified to tell our own story
2) While the whole point of our story is that "safe sex" failed us, in order to come back to LAUSD schools, we would have to include tell students there are "other FDA approved methods for preventing pregnancy and contracting STDS" [Note: That means we have to encourage them to use condoms.]
The absurdity is the FDA and the CDC will only say "Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases."
REDUCE the risk???!! By how much? The rates vary depending on the disease, whose infected and what type of sexual activity they're engaging in...
(You didn't really believe a condom gave you 100% protection, did you?)
So, back to LAUSD... if we agree to tell students something we KNOW experientially didn't work for us, and we can PROVE scientifically won't work for THEM, the district will allow us to talk to the students... oh wait, I forgot. We aren't qualified to tell our own story.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Ungrateful Women
Men are often astounded to find out that if a woman doesn't want to think about sex, she just doesn't. Click. Turn the switch off. Because so many men have used pornography to teach them about women, they internalize that this is how "real" females respond. They imagine women are fantasizing all the time, and experience some kind of withdrawal if they're "not gettin' any."
Women are equally as ill-informed. Few women I have ever met in my life understand how much mental energy a guy has to use everyday to control his sexual thoughts. They have no idea what it COSTS a guy to be faithful to her.
If every woman could understand this illustration, it would dramatically change her relationship.
Ladies, I want you to think of a time when you had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. You find a public restroom, but when you open the door there's 6 other gals ahead of you.
So there you are standing in line, waiting your turn. You know the thing you do in your head to keep from wetting your pants? That's what its like all the time for a guy.
Graphic, specific and visceral thoughts just pop into his head thousands of times a day. 24/7. He can't help it. But he knows if he spends any time thinking about any particular thought, he'll have to deal with a physical reaction that goes along with it. So, all day, every day, he has to redirect those thoughts, just to function.
BUT (because of the way women dress) everywhere HE goes, imagine that guy whose working hard at redirecting his thoughts, everywhere he goes hears running water. [Note: this is an auto-pee-trigger for a girl, in case you didn't know.]
The truth is, most guys want to treat women with respect. But if a woman wants to be treated with respect and dignity, she has to make it possible for him to think about her as a PERSON.
It is an immutable fact of natural law that when your cleavage is out there, he's not thinking about YOU, he's thinking about your chest. When your pants are so tight he could tell if a dime in your pocket was heads-or-tails... he's thinking about your butt.
For him its involuntary... just the way he's wired. But, lady, YOU had control over what you put on today. If you want to be treated with respect and dignity, check your message before you leave home and see if it says, "I am my boobs." Or "I'm a vagina."
And one last word... ladies, if you're married to a guy who doesn't cheat on you --- even if he's not meeting all your needs --- I say, Be grateful your husband wins the daily battle to be faithful to you. Its a lot harder than you think.
Women are equally as ill-informed. Few women I have ever met in my life understand how much mental energy a guy has to use everyday to control his sexual thoughts. They have no idea what it COSTS a guy to be faithful to her.
If every woman could understand this illustration, it would dramatically change her relationship.
Ladies, I want you to think of a time when you had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. You find a public restroom, but when you open the door there's 6 other gals ahead of you.
So there you are standing in line, waiting your turn. You know the thing you do in your head to keep from wetting your pants? That's what its like all the time for a guy.
Graphic, specific and visceral thoughts just pop into his head thousands of times a day. 24/7. He can't help it. But he knows if he spends any time thinking about any particular thought, he'll have to deal with a physical reaction that goes along with it. So, all day, every day, he has to redirect those thoughts, just to function.
BUT (because of the way women dress) everywhere HE goes, imagine that guy whose working hard at redirecting his thoughts, everywhere he goes hears running water. [Note: this is an auto-pee-trigger for a girl, in case you didn't know.]
The truth is, most guys want to treat women with respect. But if a woman wants to be treated with respect and dignity, she has to make it possible for him to think about her as a PERSON.
It is an immutable fact of natural law that when your cleavage is out there, he's not thinking about YOU, he's thinking about your chest. When your pants are so tight he could tell if a dime in your pocket was heads-or-tails... he's thinking about your butt.
For him its involuntary... just the way he's wired. But, lady, YOU had control over what you put on today. If you want to be treated with respect and dignity, check your message before you leave home and see if it says, "I am my boobs." Or "I'm a vagina."
And one last word... ladies, if you're married to a guy who doesn't cheat on you --- even if he's not meeting all your needs --- I say, Be grateful your husband wins the daily battle to be faithful to you. Its a lot harder than you think.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
What are sex education studies REALLY measuring?
Any time you see a report saying "comprehensive sex ed. works" or "abstinence-only fails" its important to know what they're measuring. The GOAL of comprehensive sex ed (CSE) is to "reduce number of acts of unprotected sex." A CSE is successful even if teens who weren't having sex before, are now having sex using condoms.
Yep, according to the folks who study this stuff, if you can turn a whole school of kids who were AVOIDING the risk of STDs and pregnancy before you got there, into teens who are now having "protected" sex, you gotcherself a successful CSE.
But in the Real World, using a condom "sometimes" is a whole lot riskier than not having sex at all. And that's the argument you never hear. It's not like teens don't know condoms exist. They do. But they have funny ideas about how they're supposed to use them...
For instance, the consistency of use is about the same as brushing their teeth or doing their homework. In a teen's world, once you "really trust your partner" you stop using protection to prove it.
The truth is, according to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 9th graders who've just received their sex education on condoms, report using a condom about 75% of the time. But by their senior year of high school, condom use drops to 54%. By then, they're relying on other forms of birth control. But they have a much greater chance of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease than they do of getting pregnant. (Think about it, only one way to get pregnant, only a few days a month v. every type of sexual contact can transmit disease, 24/7).
If teens weren't teens, a "safe sex" strategy might work. But they are teens ---and ALL teens think their invincible and NO teen can predict the consequences of their behavior. If we can teach them not to drink & drive, not to smoke, not to use drugs and not to pollute... what's the problem with applying those same behaviors to adolescent sexual activity?
Yep, according to the folks who study this stuff, if you can turn a whole school of kids who were AVOIDING the risk of STDs and pregnancy before you got there, into teens who are now having "protected" sex, you gotcherself a successful CSE.
But in the Real World, using a condom "sometimes" is a whole lot riskier than not having sex at all. And that's the argument you never hear. It's not like teens don't know condoms exist. They do. But they have funny ideas about how they're supposed to use them...
For instance, the consistency of use is about the same as brushing their teeth or doing their homework. In a teen's world, once you "really trust your partner" you stop using protection to prove it.
The truth is, according to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 9th graders who've just received their sex education on condoms, report using a condom about 75% of the time. But by their senior year of high school, condom use drops to 54%. By then, they're relying on other forms of birth control. But they have a much greater chance of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease than they do of getting pregnant. (Think about it, only one way to get pregnant, only a few days a month v. every type of sexual contact can transmit disease, 24/7).
If teens weren't teens, a "safe sex" strategy might work. But they are teens ---and ALL teens think their invincible and NO teen can predict the consequences of their behavior. If we can teach them not to drink & drive, not to smoke, not to use drugs and not to pollute... what's the problem with applying those same behaviors to adolescent sexual activity?
The Truth about Sex Education
If I read one more article saying "abstinence doesn't work" my head will explode. Its such a ridiculous statement. Of course if you're not having sex, then you aren't going to have sexual consequences. DUH. But the argument isn't about whether or not "abstinence" works, or kids need more access to birth control. It really is about ADULT agendas.
If kids learn how to control their sexual passions, develop a broad range of interest to re-channel that energy, and learn good relationship skills... they will be more successful in life. That's a fact supported by a ton of research. It's also what every parent wants for their kids.
BUT, if a teenager, in the full flush of their peaking hormones, exercises some sexual self-control, the response from adults isn't "Good for you! Great job! I'm proud of you!"... it's "Uh-huh. Be sure you have a condom in your wallet, just in case."
The problem is that ADULTS want to believe there is such a thing as casual-sex-without-consequences. But there isn't. You can trust that latex condom all you want, but the FACT is the most common sexually transmitted diseases have the same transmission rates with or without condoms. Look it up on the CDC website.
And because teenagers are kind of famous for not following through, that whole business about 98% effective against pregnancy is a myth. Teens using condoms to avoid getting pregnant, have a failure rate of 30% in the first year (that means they GOT pregnant).
The desperate belief that pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms can somehow allow teens to be sexually active in serial relationships, but still arrive at adulthood unscathed is RIDICULOUS!
For me, its not just about avoiding STDs and making babies. Its about developing character. Being faithful to one person is hard. It takes a lot of practice and mental discipline. Learning to communicate on an intimate level requires a person to abandon the self-centeredness of childhood, and care about others. Real lasting success in relationships is hard work. If a teen is giving in to the desire to satisfy that drive for sex and only concerned with avoiding the social consequences, how and when will they learn these important skills??
Sexual self-control is hard, but so beneficial. I know, I did it myself. When I was giving in to my desires for sex, I didn't care about anyone but me. But when I stopped using people for sex, I learned how to love them.
I want that for the kids in my community.
If kids learn how to control their sexual passions, develop a broad range of interest to re-channel that energy, and learn good relationship skills... they will be more successful in life. That's a fact supported by a ton of research. It's also what every parent wants for their kids.
BUT, if a teenager, in the full flush of their peaking hormones, exercises some sexual self-control, the response from adults isn't "Good for you! Great job! I'm proud of you!"... it's "Uh-huh. Be sure you have a condom in your wallet, just in case."
The problem is that ADULTS want to believe there is such a thing as casual-sex-without-consequences. But there isn't. You can trust that latex condom all you want, but the FACT is the most common sexually transmitted diseases have the same transmission rates with or without condoms. Look it up on the CDC website.
And because teenagers are kind of famous for not following through, that whole business about 98% effective against pregnancy is a myth. Teens using condoms to avoid getting pregnant, have a failure rate of 30% in the first year (that means they GOT pregnant).
The desperate belief that pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms can somehow allow teens to be sexually active in serial relationships, but still arrive at adulthood unscathed is RIDICULOUS!
For me, its not just about avoiding STDs and making babies. Its about developing character. Being faithful to one person is hard. It takes a lot of practice and mental discipline. Learning to communicate on an intimate level requires a person to abandon the self-centeredness of childhood, and care about others. Real lasting success in relationships is hard work. If a teen is giving in to the desire to satisfy that drive for sex and only concerned with avoiding the social consequences, how and when will they learn these important skills??
Sexual self-control is hard, but so beneficial. I know, I did it myself. When I was giving in to my desires for sex, I didn't care about anyone but me. But when I stopped using people for sex, I learned how to love them.
I want that for the kids in my community.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)