Another Safe Sex Lie Exposed

Imagine you get a newsletter from the Medical Institute for Sexual Health (which I do every month.) And you're reading along about how HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) is the leading cause of Oral Cancers, and Oral Cancer has risen dramatically since 1998 among adolescent males... from .9 per 100,000 to 8.5 per 100,000.

Then you come across this statement:

"Oral sex is common among adolescents. It is estimated that ONE IN FIVE adolescents have had oral sex by the end of the ninth grade"*

That means FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS. Think of the 14 year olds you actually know. Not the ones on TV. Real ones. Do you think they have ANY IDEA that what seems like no big deal to them --- [For instance, Dr. Meg Meeker tells of a teacher who found a note on the floor in her middle school classroom, "Sorry I didn't show up for my BJ at lunch. It's Taco Tuesday."] -- could potentially mean they have their tongue, throat or esophagus surgically removed?

Not likely.

Ummm, but aren't they taught in their Comprehensive Sex Ed. Class that oral sex is "safe"?

Yep.

*Source: Halpern-Felsher BL, Cornell JL, Kropp RY, Tschann JM. Oral versus vaginal sex among adolescents: perceptions, attitudes, and behavior. Pediatrics. 2005;115(4):845-851.

He got it

I think I have seen the most astute comment ever from a 14 year old following one of our talks. He wrote: "The only real protection in your life is your own decisions."

I have been talking to teens about sex for over 10 years now and the reactions range from "sex is bad" to "I'll be more careful who I have sex with." Each of these represents extremes in the way teens think.

The first comment suggests that ALL sex at ANY time is not worth the risk. Its naturally concerned about eliminating all risk. Children have difficulty imagining that some challenges in life can be coped with, or at least managed in such a way that they don't take over your life. But the truth is, when you're 13 and not sexually active, and you have trouble understanding what all the fuss is about, this approach seems ideal. Sex is bad. I will avoid it.

The other comment, "I'll be more careful who I have sex with" comes from a teen's impression that they are invincible and intuitively perceptive. (Not just teens most people believe they could "tell" if someone was infected, or a threat in some way.) Very few teens grasp the concept that there are people who can look you right in the eye and lie. Its almost unimaginable... even though they are often quite expert at deception themselves.

But for a young person to realize, "I can control the outcome if I can control myself through good decisions" is truly remarkable. It says a lot about the young man who wrote it. Instead of looking for some magic pill to cure the evil "out there" he instead takes the tack immediately, "this is up to me."

I wish I knew more about him than he is in the 8th grade confirmation class at St. John's Lutheran of Orange. I'd like to shake his hand.

What's going on in their heads?

Because the brain reaches adult size by age 6, child development experts have assumed those early years are the most critical. While those years are very important, new information shows us that the brain is actually continuing to develop until much later.

Dr. Jay Giedd, a neuroscientist at the National Institutes for Health, is the leading authority in the field of brain development using MRI technology. He says “The brain produces way more cells and connections than can possibly survive. There's only so many nutrients, there's only so many growth factors, there's only so much room in the skull… there is a fierce, competitive elimination, in which the brain cells and connections fight it out for survival. Only a small percentage of the cells and connections make it.”

As the child moves through puberty, connections that are frequently used become hard-wired... and the ones which are not wither and die.

Dr. Giedd explains, “Much like Michelangelo's David, you start out with a huge block of granite at the peak at the puberty years. Then the art is created by removing pieces of the granite. [That] is the way the brain also sculpts itself. The advances come from actually taking away and pruning down of [various neural] connections themselves.”

This information should make parents reconsider behavioral factors which will have a negative impact on physical brains structures. For instance,

• Long hours playing video games instead of in social interaction, will have an affect on relational skills.
• Permissive home environments where impulsive behavior is left uncorrected, will impede a young adult's ability to delay gratification.
• Drugs or alcohol killing off or retarding the developing brain cells, will cause the construction of new neural pathways to be more difficult.
• Exposure to pornography strengthens the neural pathways producing dopamine (the hormone that stimulates the pleasure center of the brain), and could result in overly sexualized behavior.

The long-term studies of MRIs show the pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain involved in planning, long-term consequences and judgment) is not fully developed until about age 25. So, an adolescent’s brain is simply not capable of filtering information as an adult. The connections are not there yet. Understanding these limitations will dramatically impact your relationship with teens.

A real-life example of this would be when Dad tells his teenage daughter, “Don’t get pregnant.” By this he means, “A baby would interrupt school and other wonderful experiences. I want you to have a full rich life and being a struggling teen mom isn’t what I want for my beautiful daughter.”

But what his daughter hears is, “If you do get pregnant, you better have an abortion because I will be disappointed in you.”

Her brain can’t project into the future to grasp the daily hardship of being a teenage mom, so she focuses on the emotions such a statement produces. She isn’t stupid. She's using the part of her brain that IS fully developed.

The most active part of the adolescent brain is the amygdala (the center of impulse and emotions). Facts and figures that a teen cannot “picture” for themselves will remain unprocessed. Basically, it's "in there" but without any meaning or point of reference --- maybe for years until new pathways in the brain develop. Experts recommend concerned adults provide their teens with a wide range of new experiences and opportunities to practice planning, delayed gratification and impulse control.

Marriage From A Teen's Point of View

Talking to teens about marriage produces interesting conversations. Their view of why or why not to marry, what they think marriage will look like and how they intend to go about making that choice can be a little discouraging.

Now that the Supreme court of California has redefined for all Californians what "marriage" will be, there are sure to be even more misconceptions.

Let me tell you what the teens in the Los Angeles area that I talk to think about marriage. They today no longer consider themselves "single" if they have had the "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" talk. That's it.

In my conversations, the following relationships are seen as EQUIVALENT:

1. Two people who are seeing each other exclusively for some period of time
2. Two people who live together
3. Two people who live together and have children, but are not married
4. Two people who have taken legal public vows

There is no distinction among those relationships. People who move in together and later break up are viewed exactly the same as couples who marry and divorce. Marriage isn't a higher form of relationship or commitment because it's so easily dissolved.

Here's something else that's scary: They also think the main reason that people don't get married is because they didn't have the money for a "Party."

Most teens I talk to are very sympathetic to same-sex marriage because, for them, its really about whether or not you get to have the Party.

They don't understand the legal ramifications of redefining the word marriage, of course. Based on what they perceive adults are doing, moving in, breaking up, having a Baby's Daddy or a Baby's Mama, divorce, infidelity, living together until something better comes along... Does it really matter if gay people get to have the same fluidity?

Not to the teens I talk to.

As a result of those talks, we developed a specific presentation called "10 Steps For Choosing A Good Mate (Or How To Avoid Ending Up With A Weenie)". Using the same relational research that eharmony and Match.com use, we layout the pattern for success in relationships. The same pattern holds for every country, religion and culture. FOLLOW these steps, you make a good match. FAIL to do them, make a poor match.

What's amazing is how relieved the students are when we're done. They feel empowered that they have something tangible to guide them. Something more reliable than the "magical tingly feelings."

Its not unusual for students who recognize us around town years after we were in their classroom to tell us they "still have the list" or they are remembering to apply some specific tip from it.

This past January, we ran into two of our former students (now in their 20's), who work at Macy's. Calling out to us as if we were celebrities, they wanted us to know they had just the day before been telling a co-worker why moving in with her boyfriend was a mistake. As they went down the list we gave them in the 7th GRADE, these two girls were letting their friend know, this particular young man was not a good match for her. (We called this "having a committee.") Our former students wanted this young woman to raise her standards.

Yes, "the List" has some pretty old-fashioned ideas on it... like you should share the same interests and beliefs in some key areas... that you should evaluate their family life in anticipation of having that duplicated... and that managing money is the Number One skill couples MUST have before they marry.

What is so sad to me, is traditional marriage: one man, one woman faithfully committed for a lifetime, providing an optimum environment in which to raise children will now been seen as even less important and valuable than before.

Hundreds of studies show it's traditionally married people who:

• live longest
• make and save the most money
• have the best sex lives
• have fewer emotional problems
• described themselves as happy and satisfied
• have children who go to college
• have far fewer children with emotional problems
  
• are less likely to abuse chemicals

But thanks to the CA Supreme Court, we can all feel good that now gay people "can have the Party" too.

Magical Tingly Deceiving Feelings

I have two older sisters who gave me the following advice about love: "When its the REAL thing, you'll just know."

They gave me this advice (in slightly superior tones) when I was perhaps 10 or 11, after telling me that the feelings I had for some boy was "puppy love." Since I always looked up to my sisters, I accepted their council as from on high.

Then, at about 14, I had a physiological response to a boy that I had NEVER FELT BEFORE. The muscles in my stomach tightened up, an electrical current rushed up my spine, inside I was trembling with excitement. "THIS," I thought, "is the REAL thing."

Of course, now I know its hormones.

I bring this up to beg you parents/teachers/youth pastors PLEASE, please, talk to your children about those powerful and confusing feelings.

In my talks to teens, I relate the above story. We all get a big laugh out of how silly it is to think the magical tingly feeling is love... ha, ha. I see them glance at each other and laugh, but in anonymous written feedback, again and again, I see "Thank you for telling me what Real Love it. I was trusting those feelings too."

I hear so often about pain and frustration caused by relying on the movies to determine what love is. If I could have a private talk with every parent of teens I would say, "Prepare them: Talk about the tingly feelings that will come. Talk about love-in-action versus, love in words. Talk about sexual bonding hormones (see article at http://www.positivelywaiting.com/sexual_bonding.html ). Discuss loving behavior (as in, when you love someone you don't put them at risk, you respect their boundaries and values...etc.)

So often, teens tell me they never talk to their parents about crushes because they believe Mom and Dad never had these feelings. Most adults realize as they matured that the crush-of-the-week wasn't real, and dismiss those fleeting feelings... especially as they come to understand (usually the Hard Way) what it takes to have a mature and lasting love. But for a teen, they have nothing to compare to those magical tingly feelings. If moms and dads aren't talking about how they, too, were fooled when they were young, it's not hard to imagine teens may be relying on advice similar to what my sisters told me.

My heart just breaks when I talk to young girls, 14 or 15, who "gave it up" to the first boy they had those feelings for, who was able to convince them it was "love." They are embarrassed and ashamed they got fooled. But at the time, the unexpected rush of electricity overcame their good judgment. If only they had been prepared by the ones who love them the most.

Mom, Dad, if you don't know what to say, try this:
Teen years a so critical. This is the season of your life when you start discovering your talents and abilities, and when you begin practicing relationship skills. Your friendships will be hugely important to you. But this is also a time when your body starts giving signals that are confusing. I promise you, there will be someone who, when you just see them for a second, will make your heart pound, your face flush and your muscles spasm. You won't be able to stop thinking about them. And it is really easy to believe they are the only thing in the world that matters.

It doesn't mean what you are feeling isn't real. It is, but it isn't a love-that-lasts-forever. Someone who has those powerful feelings for you at 15, may not have the same powerful feelings for you at 20. You know how much you have changed just since you were 10? You don't care about the same things, don't want to play with the same toys. The amount of change you experienced in just the last 5 years, is NOTHING compared to what will have in the next 5. You will have an explosion of new experiences. Your tastes will change. Your skills and preferences will mature. The person you are now may not be the the person you are in 5 years. Someone who "loves" you at 15, may try to keep you exactly like you are now and actually limit your potential. The same is true for you about them... you may not like who they become either.

The most important skills for you to work on right now, is how to understand and relate to people think and process very differently from you. Learn to negotiate. Practice resolving conflicts. Discover shared interests. These are skills you will need to be able to recognize your True Love, and to be able to be successful in your relationships.

The magical tingly feelings are fun, but they won't last. And they aren't reliable because feelings change.
***

How do I know this will work? Because this is exactly what I say to the teens when they confide to me they got fooled.

They tell me it's a relief to have something concrete to move forward with. And they tell me it means a lot to talk to an adult who cares and understands what its like. So often I hear how their experiences are dismissed by adults who know how little it will matter in 5 years. The problem is RIGHT NOW, they need help to process the experience, to put it in perspective.

My parents never knew about the first serious crush I had. I was 13, being picked up from junior high school by a boy who was 16. NOW, I know I was just an easy target. He almost convinced me to have sex with him. The only reason I decided against it was while he was waiting for me to give in, I found out he had sex with one of my friends (also 13). The confusion of the sweet talk, the pressure, the tingly feelings --- and later the betrayal, the hurt, the rejection --- led to suicidal thoughts when it was over. I was all alone with those terrifying feelings, with the intense pressure, and with wanting to die just to stop the pain.

While your son or daughter may never get themselves into the same situation, they ARE going to be pressured and confused. Guaranteed. So please try. If it looks like they're blowing you off, try again in a different way. Afterwards, listen, relate what they say to your own experience. Then try again.

Most importantly, don't forget, its not just ONE talk. Think of it the same way you do when you want them to do their chores, Repeat, Remind, Reward.

Really BAD Abstinence Ed.

I was reminded today of the two contestants on American Idol who "promoted" abstinence education. One was a middle aged man who sang a song called "No Sex!" and the other was a high school student who wanted Simon Cowell to know it would "just be better" if he waited for sex until marriage. They, like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live and the "coach" at the beginning of Mean Girls, give abstinence a bad name. We do look utterly foolish when we pretend sex is bad, dirty or evil.

The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:

1. Data Dumping: Scary statistics, graphic pictures of diseased genitals and study after depressing study on the negative consequences of non-marital sexual activity. It does produce a fairly impressive eeyewuuww! factor, but information doesn't change behavior.
2. The Sleeping Beauty Method: extreme censorship of any and all material which might inspire a sexual thought. This is a favorite of churched families, generally based on the wrong belief that preventing ALL exposure to the sex-saturated culture as a young person will somehow keep them from wanting to have sex. It makes mom and dad feel good, but leaves the child totally unprepared from the onslaught of emotions and desire they have when they step outside the cocoon.
3. Lowering the Bar: changing the standard to something other than wait for marriage, most often, "wait until you're ready/older/in a committed relationship." This are vague and unspecific targets which have broad interpretations. An adult's interpretation of the "commitment" stage is very different from a 14-year old's.
   

NONE of these strategies work.

I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.

More next time...

LAUSD and Me

From 1998 until December of 2006, my husband and I talked to teens in LA Unified Schools (mostly in the San Fernando Valley). A frank talk about living with the consequences of sex really impacted their perspective about sex, about "safe sex" and about not "doing it."

BUT... in December of 2006, LAUSD made us stop. They were worried about "discrimination" and "medical accuracy." OK. We worked the system. Lots of legal hoop jumping, delays, written proposals and more delays... In the end, they have decided:

1) We are not qualified to tell our own story
2) While the whole point of our story is that "safe sex" failed us, in order to come back to LAUSD schools, we would have to include tell students there are "other FDA approved methods for preventing pregnancy and contracting STDS" [Note: That means we have to encourage them to use condoms.]

The absurdity is the FDA and the CDC will only say "Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases."

REDUCE the risk???!! By how much? The rates vary depending on the disease, whose infected and what type of sexual activity they're engaging in...

(You didn't really believe a condom gave you 100% protection, did you?)

So, back to LAUSD... if we agree to tell students something we KNOW experientially didn't work for us, and we can PROVE scientifically won't work for THEM, the district will allow us to talk to the students... oh wait, I forgot. We aren't qualified to tell our own story.

What are sex education studies REALLY measuring?

Any time you see a report saying "comprehensive sex ed. works" or "abstinence-only fails" its important to know what they're measuring. The GOAL of comprehensive sex ed (CSE) is to "reduce number of acts of unprotected sex." A CSE is successful even if teens who weren't having sex before, are now having sex using condoms.

Yep, according to the folks who study this stuff, if you can turn a whole school of kids who were AVOIDING the risk of STDs and pregnancy before you got there, into teens who are now having "protected" sex, you gotcherself a successful CSE.

But in the Real World, using a condom "sometimes" is a whole lot riskier than not having sex at all. And that's the argument you never hear. It's not like teens don't know condoms exist. They do. But they have funny ideas about how they're supposed to use them...

For instance, the consistency of use is about the same as brushing their teeth or doing their homework. In a teen's world, once you "really trust your partner" you stop using protection to prove it.

The truth is, according to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 9th graders who've just received their sex education on condoms, report using a condom about 75% of the time. But by their senior year of high school, condom use drops to 54%. By then, they're relying on other forms of birth control. But they have a much greater chance of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease than they do of getting pregnant. (Think about it, only one way to get pregnant, only a few days a month v. every type of sexual contact can transmit disease, 24/7).

If teens weren't teens, a "safe sex" strategy might work. But they are teens ---and ALL teens think their invincible and NO teen can predict the consequences of their behavior. If we can teach them not to drink & drive, not to smoke, not to use drugs and not to pollute... what's the problem with applying those same behaviors to adolescent sexual activity?

The Truth about Sex Education

If I read one more article saying "abstinence doesn't work" my head will explode. Its such a ridiculous statement. Of course if you're not having sex, then you aren't going to have sexual consequences. DUH. But the argument isn't about whether or not "abstinence" works, or kids need more access to birth control. It really is about ADULT agendas.

If kids learn how to control their sexual passions, develop a broad range of interest to re-channel that energy, and learn good relationship skills... they will be more successful in life. That's a fact supported by a ton of research. It's also what every parent wants for their kids.

BUT, if a teenager, in the full flush of their peaking hormones, exercises some sexual self-control, the response from adults isn't "Good for you! Great job! I'm proud of you!"... it's "Uh-huh. Be sure you have a condom in your wallet, just in case."

The problem is that ADULTS want to believe there is such a thing as casual-sex-without-consequences. But there isn't. You can trust that latex condom all you want, but the FACT is the most common sexually transmitted diseases have the same transmission rates with or without condoms. Look it up on the CDC website.

And because teenagers are kind of famous for not following through, that whole business about 98% effective against pregnancy is a myth. Teens using condoms to avoid getting pregnant, have a failure rate of 30% in the first year (that means they GOT pregnant).

The desperate belief that pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms can somehow allow teens to be sexually active in serial relationships, but still arrive at adulthood unscathed is RIDICULOUS!

For me, its not just about avoiding STDs and making babies. Its about developing character. Being faithful to one person is hard. It takes a lot of practice and mental discipline. Learning to communicate on an intimate level requires a person to abandon the self-centeredness of childhood, and care about others. Real lasting success in relationships is hard work. If a teen is giving in to the desire to satisfy that drive for sex and only concerned with avoiding the social consequences, how and when will they learn these important skills??

Sexual self-control is hard, but so beneficial. I know, I did it myself. When I was giving in to my desires for sex, I didn't care about anyone but me. But when I stopped using people for sex, I learned how to love them.

I want that for the kids in my community.