Sex Makes People Stupid

As if any MORE evidence were needed to show that sex can impair someone's judgment --- here comes Tiger Woods buried under a mountain of evidence that he has been unfaithful to his wife (with at least 14 mistresses.) Major endorsement contracts, perhaps even his future in the sport he dominates, suddenly teetering like a house of cards.

My first reaction was overwhelming sadness because another hero and role model has imploded. I felt the same way when I heard about Kobe Bryant in 1994. Both of them had reached the absolute pinnacle of their fields, only to be brought low by their lack of self-control.

What I keep turning over in my mind however, is NOT that Tiger Woods had a bevvy of ladies that he was juggling... not that he risked EVERYTHING for sexual excitement... not that the man with legendary control over every aspect of his game could be so wildly out of control in another area of his life... but, frankly, that his WIFE thought he could be faithful.

Follow me here: Tiger Woods was well-known as a Las Vegas partyer while he was single, frequently seen with a diverse assortment of beautiful women on his arm. In our culture, when you're a handsome bachelor it's a given that you'll have a string of partners. But, prior to getting married, his bride-to-be, Elin Nordegren, made it clear she expected this behavior to stop. Then she married him without any demonstration or proof that his was something he was capable of doing!

This is a very typical female line of thought. I have this conversation over and over with women who have been cheated on:

Me: So he cheated on his last girlfriend with you?
Her: Well, yeah, but their relationship wasn't going anywhere.
Me: Had he told her that?
Her: I don't know. He said they fought all the time.
Me: Uh huh. Did he cheat on the girlfriend he had before her?
Her: Well, she wasn't really his girlfriend. She was just some girl he hung out with.
Me: Someone he was just using for sex?
Her: Ummmm, yeah.
Me: So, he cheated on at least the two previous girls he was with, but you thought he wouldn't cheat on you?
Her: Ummmm, yeah.
Me: Based on what evidence?
Her: He said he would never cheat on me!

I'm not kidding.

For the record: the BEST predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior. Impulse control is a skill that takes practice. You don't magically become capable of resisting temptation because you put on a wedding band (for cryin' out loud! it's not a force field!) This is so elementary: If your partner never has to prove to you that he/she can resist temptation, by resisting YOU, then you have no reason to believe they're capable of resisting anyone else!

Duh. I have so much expertise in this, I could write a book about it!

Wait a minute! I did! Sex Makes People Stupid: How To Avoid Ending Up With a Weenie

The Venom for Palin

I have heard a number of insulting things directed at the Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, that shocked me. She's been characterized as stupid, backward and irresponsible with regard to her family.

I'll be honest with you, Sarah Palin reminds in many ways of my sister-in-law. She's is an accomplished jumping horsewoman, landlord and high school teacher. While she has no children, her care for other people's children is demonstrably evident. She is passionate about the environment, and co-incidentally hunts and fishes with her husband. I admire her a great deal.

If anyone were to say the things about my sister-in-law that they've said about Gov. Palin, I would have a strong desire to hurt them. But no one would dare to say those things about my sister-in-law. (You should see her husband the football coach, not to mention my husband --- her brother --- affectionately nicknamed "Bear.)

I've been puzzling and puzzling over the venom directed at Sarah, and I'm starting to think it's because of her kids. Follow me here. Back in the day, when the whole Women's Liberation Movement was about getting the legal right to an abortion, the argument was that women were being kept out of positions of power because they didn't have control over their "reproductive rights."

Meaning, "How can you complete college or expect to get promoted if you had to stop to have a baby?"

When I worked at a pregnancy center, offering information about pregnancy options, it was a common argument, "I can't have a baby! I won't be able to finish school!"

Women who might take off work because of a sick child, or to attend some primary school function, were less desirable employees, we were told. The research on single moms shows many, if not most, will spend some portion of their lives below the poverty level. Then there's the statistic that 90% of babies diagnosed with Down's Syndrome are aborted.

I personally know a lot of women who chose abortion based on these arguments. And it is the argument I used myself when I aborted.

According the US News and World Report (Jan. 19, 1998), 43% of American women will have an abortion in their life time. About a million women every year, for the last 40 years. That's a lot of women. Justifying a lot of abortion decisions.

Here comes Sarah Palin, with husband and her five kids, including one with Down's. She finished her degree, ran a business, ran a city and ran a state. She did what everyone told us (back in the day) we wouldn't be able to do unless we aborted.

You'd think her ability to balance it all: education, career, marriage, family, social change, politics --- would make her the ICON of what we fought so hard for, back in the day. But instead she is a sad reminder of "dreams that could have been." The regrets of which many single, childless feminists are lamenting.

Focusing on finishing an advanced degree and establishing career success before starting a family, for many women in my generation meant by the time you were ready to have a family, you had passed your best reproductive years, or your pool of marriageable partners had shrunk considerably.

Sarah Palin makes all of us who didn't have her courage and stamina look at our own decision and ask, "what if...?"

The first time you you are confronted with those uncomfortable thoughts, it makes you mad. Really mad. And scared. And ashamed. Your perspective about the kind of person you think you are changes dramatically. You relive all the emotions and recriminations you experienced when you made your "choice." They flood your mind like the waters from the Dec. 26, 2004 Indonesian tsunami, leaving a piles of litter and debris everywhere.

I think that's why some people hate her. Its easier to hate her than hate yourself.

Really BAD Abstinence Ed.

I was reminded today of the two contestants on American Idol who "promoted" abstinence education. One was a middle aged man who sang a song called "No Sex!" and the other was a high school student who wanted Simon Cowell to know it would "just be better" if he waited for sex until marriage. They, like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live and the "coach" at the beginning of Mean Girls, give abstinence a bad name. We do look utterly foolish when we pretend sex is bad, dirty or evil.

The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:

1. Data Dumping: Scary statistics, graphic pictures of diseased genitals and study after depressing study on the negative consequences of non-marital sexual activity. It does produce a fairly impressive eeyewuuww! factor, but information doesn't change behavior.
2. The Sleeping Beauty Method: extreme censorship of any and all material which might inspire a sexual thought. This is a favorite of churched families, generally based on the wrong belief that preventing ALL exposure to the sex-saturated culture as a young person will somehow keep them from wanting to have sex. It makes mom and dad feel good, but leaves the child totally unprepared from the onslaught of emotions and desire they have when they step outside the cocoon.
3. Lowering the Bar: changing the standard to something other than wait for marriage, most often, "wait until you're ready/older/in a committed relationship." This are vague and unspecific targets which have broad interpretations. An adult's interpretation of the "commitment" stage is very different from a 14-year old's.
   

NONE of these strategies work.

I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.

More next time...

Ungrateful Women

Men are often astounded to find out that if a woman doesn't want to think about sex, she just doesn't. Click. Turn the switch off. Because so many men have used pornography to teach them about women, they internalize that this is how "real" females respond. They imagine women are fantasizing all the time, and experience some kind of withdrawal if they're "not gettin' any."

Women are equally as ill-informed. Few women I have ever met in my life understand how much mental energy a guy has to use everyday to control his sexual thoughts. They have no idea what it COSTS a guy to be faithful to her.

If every woman could understand this illustration, it would dramatically change her relationship.

Ladies, I want you to think of a time when you had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. You find a public restroom, but when you open the door there's 6 other gals ahead of you.

So there you are standing in line, waiting your turn. You know the thing you do in your head to keep from wetting your pants? That's what its like all the time for a guy.

Graphic, specific and visceral thoughts just pop into his head thousands of times a day. 24/7. He can't help it. But he knows if he spends any time thinking about any particular thought, he'll have to deal with a physical reaction that goes along with it. So, all day, every day, he has to redirect those thoughts, just to function.

BUT (because of the way women dress) everywhere HE goes, imagine that guy whose working hard at redirecting his thoughts, everywhere he goes hears running water. [Note: this is an auto-pee-trigger for a girl, in case you didn't know.]

The truth is, most guys want to treat women with respect. But if a woman wants to be treated with respect and dignity, she has to make it possible for him to think about her as a PERSON.

It is an immutable fact of natural law that when your cleavage is out there, he's not thinking about YOU, he's thinking about your chest. When your pants are so tight he could tell if a dime in your pocket was heads-or-tails... he's thinking about your butt.

For him its involuntary... just the way he's wired. But, lady, YOU had control over what you put on today. If you want to be treated with respect and dignity, check your message before you leave home and see if it says, "I am my boobs." Or "I'm a vagina."

And one last word... ladies, if you're married to a guy who doesn't cheat on you --- even if he's not meeting all your needs --- I say, Be grateful your husband wins the daily battle to be faithful to you. Its a lot harder than you think.