Guest Post from Arizona State U

The following is a guest post from Shaun Thomson, in his 3rd year at Arizona State University in Phoenix. Shaun heard his first Positively Waiting talk (unwillingly, I might add) when he was 14 and a freshman at El Camino Real High School.

Over the years, as he saw his friends deal with the consequences of sexual activity, my credibility increased significantly. Not long after joining a fraternity, Shaun agreed to be interviewed with me on KFWB after a report came out saying "abstinence doesn't work."

Responding to a question about taking heat from his frat-brothers for not being sexually active, Shaun's classic response was: "Some guys don't eat meat. I don't have sex. Got a problem with that?"

Doing The Math About Abstinence

We all know there are tons of numbers and statistics flying around trying to say that "abstinence education doesn't work." However, I thought it would be prudent to address this with some simple math, and some common sense.

In a broad sense, math tells us what can and cannot happen under specified circumstances. This applies to abstinence in that we know without a doubt, what can happen if adolescents engage in sexual activity... STDs, pregnancy, emotional problems, etc. These are not fictional or doctored results. They are Real-Life for an ever-increasing number of young people here in the US.

These consequences are not the "by-product" of a strange coincidence. They are the result of sexual activity, and nothing else.

Consequently, the opposite is also true: if you avoid sexual activity, the likelihood of having negative consequences goes way down.

So, getting back to the math, if you abstain from sex (that is subtract or remove it from the equation), then is is no longer possible to get pregnant, and the risk for contracting an STD or having emotional issues related to sexual relationships drops dramatically.

It can be simply put as "You can get in trouble for something you aren't doing." If you are abstaining from sex, then you are protecting yourself against all the negative side effects of sexual activity.

Consequences of sexual activity do not happen if there is no sexual activity.

(Duh. Thanks, Shaun!)

Virgins & Oral Sex

A new study about oral sex is about to be published in the July issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health. The analysis of a federal survey released yesterday, found that more than half of 2,200 males and females aged 15 to 19, reported having had oral sex.

The revelation making the news is that virgins were much less likely to engage in oral sex than sexually experienced teens. Eighty-seven percent (87%) of teens who had "real sex" were also engaging in oral sex. Only 23% of virgins were engaging in this behavior.

This is good news... since there has been concern that teens were using oral sex to "preserve" their virginity. This study is the first to actually ask the question.

Here is my opinion. Based on my conversations with teens in every walk of life over 10 years, I can say, teens know that "protection" exists. They are not uninformed about the availability of condoms and/or birth control (although there is a great deal of MISinformation mixed in with what they know.)

BUT, they don't want to use it. The problem is NOT that they don't know they should. The problems isn't that they don't know how to get it or how to use it. They don't WANT to use it. It works like this...

Phase One: Two virgins are curious about sex. There has been some kissing and touching that produces really great feelings. They aren't thinking, "This could lead to sex, I better get protection." They're thinking, "We'll just keep doing this. There's no risk in this." Then, well... they don't call it foreplay for nothing. End result, they didn't use protection because they "weren't planning to have sex."

Phase Two: Nothing terrible happened, although SHE has just sweat bullets until her period came. She has The Talk where she tells him, "That was really risky. I don't want to do that anymore." He's thinking, "Are you crazy?! That was great! You better believe I want to do that again!" But he says, "Sure. Whatever you want. We don't have to do it. I can wait until you're ready."

In the meantime, he's looking at whatever will remove the obstacles to doing it again. Thus, he introduces the possibility of using protection... usually condoms. She receives this information as a form of his concern for her safety. BUT, if he actually brings condoms to their next rendezvous, the encounter will lose some of the spontaneity and she feels let down.

Phase Three: She becomes focused on not getting pregnant, but he has subtly ramped up the pressure to be sexually intimate. "Protection" seems so mundane and makes their "love" feel somehow lessened. So, one of them suggests oral sex. HE because he wants to remove any and all obstacles which might impede his next orgasm. SHE because she wants to preserve the relationship without "ruining her life."

Phase Four: Their relationship inevitably ends and they move on to other people. Oral sex for her in subsequent relationships seems like a way to eliminate the constant pressure for sex without being vulnerable to the risks. Oral sex for him is easily presented to the next girl as an option which "costs her nothing." It is extremely rare that girls are the recipient of oral sex... make of that what you will.

Phase Five: These teens hear a Positively Waiting presentation. First revelation: Any STD that can live between someone's legs will also live in another person's mouth. They are convinced (finally!) that protection is also necessary if they engage in oral sex. In future sexual encounters they can't help but think, "Umm, where has this body part been?"

Second revelation: The memories of those intimate experiences don't go away just because they have changed partners. Now they KNOW each experience and all the emotions tied to it will compile one upon another. The pain and fear and vivid memories will lurk in the shadows, ready to appear at inopportune moments.

If they choose to continue sexual activity (oral, anal or vaginal) now they KNOW they must use protection at all times, if they want to avoid risk. The decision to actively use protection and/or birth control makes it very hard to convince themselves that sex is a way of expressing "their love."

Phase Six: They pretend sex is just a sport. "It's fun. We're being responsible. No one's getting hurt. Sex helps us get to know each other." In other words, they become US.

We produce another generation that can't bond, that takes risks with other people's lives, that never develops relational skills and then walks away when it gets too hard.

Does anyone market "protection" against that?

Really BAD Abstinence Ed.

I was reminded today of the two contestants on American Idol who "promoted" abstinence education. One was a middle aged man who sang a song called "No Sex!" and the other was a high school student who wanted Simon Cowell to know it would "just be better" if he waited for sex until marriage. They, like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live and the "coach" at the beginning of Mean Girls, give abstinence a bad name. We do look utterly foolish when we pretend sex is bad, dirty or evil.

The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:

1. Data Dumping: Scary statistics, graphic pictures of diseased genitals and study after depressing study on the negative consequences of non-marital sexual activity. It does produce a fairly impressive eeyewuuww! factor, but information doesn't change behavior.
2. The Sleeping Beauty Method: extreme censorship of any and all material which might inspire a sexual thought. This is a favorite of churched families, generally based on the wrong belief that preventing ALL exposure to the sex-saturated culture as a young person will somehow keep them from wanting to have sex. It makes mom and dad feel good, but leaves the child totally unprepared from the onslaught of emotions and desire they have when they step outside the cocoon.
3. Lowering the Bar: changing the standard to something other than wait for marriage, most often, "wait until you're ready/older/in a committed relationship." This are vague and unspecific targets which have broad interpretations. An adult's interpretation of the "commitment" stage is very different from a 14-year old's.
   

NONE of these strategies work.

I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.

More next time...

LAUSD and Me

From 1998 until December of 2006, my husband and I talked to teens in LA Unified Schools (mostly in the San Fernando Valley). A frank talk about living with the consequences of sex really impacted their perspective about sex, about "safe sex" and about not "doing it."

BUT... in December of 2006, LAUSD made us stop. They were worried about "discrimination" and "medical accuracy." OK. We worked the system. Lots of legal hoop jumping, delays, written proposals and more delays... In the end, they have decided:

1) We are not qualified to tell our own story
2) While the whole point of our story is that "safe sex" failed us, in order to come back to LAUSD schools, we would have to include tell students there are "other FDA approved methods for preventing pregnancy and contracting STDS" [Note: That means we have to encourage them to use condoms.]

The absurdity is the FDA and the CDC will only say "Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases."

REDUCE the risk???!! By how much? The rates vary depending on the disease, whose infected and what type of sexual activity they're engaging in...

(You didn't really believe a condom gave you 100% protection, did you?)

So, back to LAUSD... if we agree to tell students something we KNOW experientially didn't work for us, and we can PROVE scientifically won't work for THEM, the district will allow us to talk to the students... oh wait, I forgot. We aren't qualified to tell our own story.

What are sex education studies REALLY measuring?

Any time you see a report saying "comprehensive sex ed. works" or "abstinence-only fails" its important to know what they're measuring. The GOAL of comprehensive sex ed (CSE) is to "reduce number of acts of unprotected sex." A CSE is successful even if teens who weren't having sex before, are now having sex using condoms.

Yep, according to the folks who study this stuff, if you can turn a whole school of kids who were AVOIDING the risk of STDs and pregnancy before you got there, into teens who are now having "protected" sex, you gotcherself a successful CSE.

But in the Real World, using a condom "sometimes" is a whole lot riskier than not having sex at all. And that's the argument you never hear. It's not like teens don't know condoms exist. They do. But they have funny ideas about how they're supposed to use them...

For instance, the consistency of use is about the same as brushing their teeth or doing their homework. In a teen's world, once you "really trust your partner" you stop using protection to prove it.

The truth is, according to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 9th graders who've just received their sex education on condoms, report using a condom about 75% of the time. But by their senior year of high school, condom use drops to 54%. By then, they're relying on other forms of birth control. But they have a much greater chance of getting infected with a sexually transmitted disease than they do of getting pregnant. (Think about it, only one way to get pregnant, only a few days a month v. every type of sexual contact can transmit disease, 24/7).

If teens weren't teens, a "safe sex" strategy might work. But they are teens ---and ALL teens think their invincible and NO teen can predict the consequences of their behavior. If we can teach them not to drink & drive, not to smoke, not to use drugs and not to pollute... what's the problem with applying those same behaviors to adolescent sexual activity?

The Truth about Sex Education

If I read one more article saying "abstinence doesn't work" my head will explode. Its such a ridiculous statement. Of course if you're not having sex, then you aren't going to have sexual consequences. DUH. But the argument isn't about whether or not "abstinence" works, or kids need more access to birth control. It really is about ADULT agendas.

If kids learn how to control their sexual passions, develop a broad range of interest to re-channel that energy, and learn good relationship skills... they will be more successful in life. That's a fact supported by a ton of research. It's also what every parent wants for their kids.

BUT, if a teenager, in the full flush of their peaking hormones, exercises some sexual self-control, the response from adults isn't "Good for you! Great job! I'm proud of you!"... it's "Uh-huh. Be sure you have a condom in your wallet, just in case."

The problem is that ADULTS want to believe there is such a thing as casual-sex-without-consequences. But there isn't. You can trust that latex condom all you want, but the FACT is the most common sexually transmitted diseases have the same transmission rates with or without condoms. Look it up on the CDC website.

And because teenagers are kind of famous for not following through, that whole business about 98% effective against pregnancy is a myth. Teens using condoms to avoid getting pregnant, have a failure rate of 30% in the first year (that means they GOT pregnant).

The desperate belief that pills, shots, creams, foams and condoms can somehow allow teens to be sexually active in serial relationships, but still arrive at adulthood unscathed is RIDICULOUS!

For me, its not just about avoiding STDs and making babies. Its about developing character. Being faithful to one person is hard. It takes a lot of practice and mental discipline. Learning to communicate on an intimate level requires a person to abandon the self-centeredness of childhood, and care about others. Real lasting success in relationships is hard work. If a teen is giving in to the desire to satisfy that drive for sex and only concerned with avoiding the social consequences, how and when will they learn these important skills??

Sexual self-control is hard, but so beneficial. I know, I did it myself. When I was giving in to my desires for sex, I didn't care about anyone but me. But when I stopped using people for sex, I learned how to love them.

I want that for the kids in my community.