Virgins & Oral Sex

A new study about oral sex is about to be published in the July issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health. The analysis of a federal survey released yesterday, found that more than half of 2,200 males and females aged 15 to 19, reported having had oral sex.

The revelation making the news is that virgins were much less likely to engage in oral sex than sexually experienced teens. Eighty-seven percent (87%) of teens who had "real sex" were also engaging in oral sex. Only 23% of virgins were engaging in this behavior.

This is good news... since there has been concern that teens were using oral sex to "preserve" their virginity. This study is the first to actually ask the question.

Here is my opinion. Based on my conversations with teens in every walk of life over 10 years, I can say, teens know that "protection" exists. They are not uninformed about the availability of condoms and/or birth control (although there is a great deal of MISinformation mixed in with what they know.)

BUT, they don't want to use it. The problem is NOT that they don't know they should. The problems isn't that they don't know how to get it or how to use it. They don't WANT to use it. It works like this...

Phase One: Two virgins are curious about sex. There has been some kissing and touching that produces really great feelings. They aren't thinking, "This could lead to sex, I better get protection." They're thinking, "We'll just keep doing this. There's no risk in this." Then, well... they don't call it foreplay for nothing. End result, they didn't use protection because they "weren't planning to have sex."

Phase Two: Nothing terrible happened, although SHE has just sweat bullets until her period came. She has The Talk where she tells him, "That was really risky. I don't want to do that anymore." He's thinking, "Are you crazy?! That was great! You better believe I want to do that again!" But he says, "Sure. Whatever you want. We don't have to do it. I can wait until you're ready."

In the meantime, he's looking at whatever will remove the obstacles to doing it again. Thus, he introduces the possibility of using protection... usually condoms. She receives this information as a form of his concern for her safety. BUT, if he actually brings condoms to their next rendezvous, the encounter will lose some of the spontaneity and she feels let down.

Phase Three: She becomes focused on not getting pregnant, but he has subtly ramped up the pressure to be sexually intimate. "Protection" seems so mundane and makes their "love" feel somehow lessened. So, one of them suggests oral sex. HE because he wants to remove any and all obstacles which might impede his next orgasm. SHE because she wants to preserve the relationship without "ruining her life."

Phase Four: Their relationship inevitably ends and they move on to other people. Oral sex for her in subsequent relationships seems like a way to eliminate the constant pressure for sex without being vulnerable to the risks. Oral sex for him is easily presented to the next girl as an option which "costs her nothing." It is extremely rare that girls are the recipient of oral sex... make of that what you will.

Phase Five: These teens hear a Positively Waiting presentation. First revelation: Any STD that can live between someone's legs will also live in another person's mouth. They are convinced (finally!) that protection is also necessary if they engage in oral sex. In future sexual encounters they can't help but think, "Umm, where has this body part been?"

Second revelation: The memories of those intimate experiences don't go away just because they have changed partners. Now they KNOW each experience and all the emotions tied to it will compile one upon another. The pain and fear and vivid memories will lurk in the shadows, ready to appear at inopportune moments.

If they choose to continue sexual activity (oral, anal or vaginal) now they KNOW they must use protection at all times, if they want to avoid risk. The decision to actively use protection and/or birth control makes it very hard to convince themselves that sex is a way of expressing "their love."

Phase Six: They pretend sex is just a sport. "It's fun. We're being responsible. No one's getting hurt. Sex helps us get to know each other." In other words, they become US.

We produce another generation that can't bond, that takes risks with other people's lives, that never develops relational skills and then walks away when it gets too hard.

Does anyone market "protection" against that?