Magical Tingly Deceiving Feelings

I have two older sisters who gave me the following advice about love: "When its the REAL thing, you'll just know."

They gave me this advice (in slightly superior tones) when I was perhaps 10 or 11, after telling me that the feelings I had for some boy was "puppy love." Since I always looked up to my sisters, I accepted their council as from on high.

Then, at about 14, I had a physiological response to a boy that I had NEVER FELT BEFORE. The muscles in my stomach tightened up, an electrical current rushed up my spine, inside I was trembling with excitement. "THIS," I thought, "is the REAL thing."

Of course, now I know its hormones.

I bring this up to beg you parents/teachers/youth pastors PLEASE, please, talk to your children about those powerful and confusing feelings.

In my talks to teens, I relate the above story. We all get a big laugh out of how silly it is to think the magical tingly feeling is love... ha, ha. I see them glance at each other and laugh, but in anonymous written feedback, again and again, I see "Thank you for telling me what Real Love it. I was trusting those feelings too."

I hear so often about pain and frustration caused by relying on the movies to determine what love is. If I could have a private talk with every parent of teens I would say, "Prepare them: Talk about the tingly feelings that will come. Talk about love-in-action versus, love in words. Talk about sexual bonding hormones (see article at http://www.positivelywaiting.com/sexual_bonding.html ). Discuss loving behavior (as in, when you love someone you don't put them at risk, you respect their boundaries and values...etc.)

So often, teens tell me they never talk to their parents about crushes because they believe Mom and Dad never had these feelings. Most adults realize as they matured that the crush-of-the-week wasn't real, and dismiss those fleeting feelings... especially as they come to understand (usually the Hard Way) what it takes to have a mature and lasting love. But for a teen, they have nothing to compare to those magical tingly feelings. If moms and dads aren't talking about how they, too, were fooled when they were young, it's not hard to imagine teens may be relying on advice similar to what my sisters told me.

My heart just breaks when I talk to young girls, 14 or 15, who "gave it up" to the first boy they had those feelings for, who was able to convince them it was "love." They are embarrassed and ashamed they got fooled. But at the time, the unexpected rush of electricity overcame their good judgment. If only they had been prepared by the ones who love them the most.

Mom, Dad, if you don't know what to say, try this:
Teen years a so critical. This is the season of your life when you start discovering your talents and abilities, and when you begin practicing relationship skills. Your friendships will be hugely important to you. But this is also a time when your body starts giving signals that are confusing. I promise you, there will be someone who, when you just see them for a second, will make your heart pound, your face flush and your muscles spasm. You won't be able to stop thinking about them. And it is really easy to believe they are the only thing in the world that matters.

It doesn't mean what you are feeling isn't real. It is, but it isn't a love-that-lasts-forever. Someone who has those powerful feelings for you at 15, may not have the same powerful feelings for you at 20. You know how much you have changed just since you were 10? You don't care about the same things, don't want to play with the same toys. The amount of change you experienced in just the last 5 years, is NOTHING compared to what will have in the next 5. You will have an explosion of new experiences. Your tastes will change. Your skills and preferences will mature. The person you are now may not be the the person you are in 5 years. Someone who "loves" you at 15, may try to keep you exactly like you are now and actually limit your potential. The same is true for you about them... you may not like who they become either.

The most important skills for you to work on right now, is how to understand and relate to people think and process very differently from you. Learn to negotiate. Practice resolving conflicts. Discover shared interests. These are skills you will need to be able to recognize your True Love, and to be able to be successful in your relationships.

The magical tingly feelings are fun, but they won't last. And they aren't reliable because feelings change.
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How do I know this will work? Because this is exactly what I say to the teens when they confide to me they got fooled.

They tell me it's a relief to have something concrete to move forward with. And they tell me it means a lot to talk to an adult who cares and understands what its like. So often I hear how their experiences are dismissed by adults who know how little it will matter in 5 years. The problem is RIGHT NOW, they need help to process the experience, to put it in perspective.

My parents never knew about the first serious crush I had. I was 13, being picked up from junior high school by a boy who was 16. NOW, I know I was just an easy target. He almost convinced me to have sex with him. The only reason I decided against it was while he was waiting for me to give in, I found out he had sex with one of my friends (also 13). The confusion of the sweet talk, the pressure, the tingly feelings --- and later the betrayal, the hurt, the rejection --- led to suicidal thoughts when it was over. I was all alone with those terrifying feelings, with the intense pressure, and with wanting to die just to stop the pain.

While your son or daughter may never get themselves into the same situation, they ARE going to be pressured and confused. Guaranteed. So please try. If it looks like they're blowing you off, try again in a different way. Afterwards, listen, relate what they say to your own experience. Then try again.

Most importantly, don't forget, its not just ONE talk. Think of it the same way you do when you want them to do their chores, Repeat, Remind, Reward.