Marriage From A Teen's Point of View

Talking to teens about marriage produces interesting conversations. Their view of why or why not to marry, what they think marriage will look like and how they intend to go about making that choice can be a little discouraging.

Now that the Supreme court of California has redefined for all Californians what "marriage" will be, there are sure to be even more misconceptions.

Let me tell you what the teens in the Los Angeles area that I talk to think about marriage. They today no longer consider themselves "single" if they have had the "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" talk. That's it.

In my conversations, the following relationships are seen as EQUIVALENT:

1. Two people who are seeing each other exclusively for some period of time
2. Two people who live together
3. Two people who live together and have children, but are not married
4. Two people who have taken legal public vows

There is no distinction among those relationships. People who move in together and later break up are viewed exactly the same as couples who marry and divorce. Marriage isn't a higher form of relationship or commitment because it's so easily dissolved.

Here's something else that's scary: They also think the main reason that people don't get married is because they didn't have the money for a "Party."

Most teens I talk to are very sympathetic to same-sex marriage because, for them, its really about whether or not you get to have the Party.

They don't understand the legal ramifications of redefining the word marriage, of course. Based on what they perceive adults are doing, moving in, breaking up, having a Baby's Daddy or a Baby's Mama, divorce, infidelity, living together until something better comes along... Does it really matter if gay people get to have the same fluidity?

Not to the teens I talk to.

As a result of those talks, we developed a specific presentation called "10 Steps For Choosing A Good Mate (Or How To Avoid Ending Up With A Weenie)". Using the same relational research that eharmony and Match.com use, we layout the pattern for success in relationships. The same pattern holds for every country, religion and culture. FOLLOW these steps, you make a good match. FAIL to do them, make a poor match.

What's amazing is how relieved the students are when we're done. They feel empowered that they have something tangible to guide them. Something more reliable than the "magical tingly feelings."

Its not unusual for students who recognize us around town years after we were in their classroom to tell us they "still have the list" or they are remembering to apply some specific tip from it.

This past January, we ran into two of our former students (now in their 20's), who work at Macy's. Calling out to us as if we were celebrities, they wanted us to know they had just the day before been telling a co-worker why moving in with her boyfriend was a mistake. As they went down the list we gave them in the 7th GRADE, these two girls were letting their friend know, this particular young man was not a good match for her. (We called this "having a committee.") Our former students wanted this young woman to raise her standards.

Yes, "the List" has some pretty old-fashioned ideas on it... like you should share the same interests and beliefs in some key areas... that you should evaluate their family life in anticipation of having that duplicated... and that managing money is the Number One skill couples MUST have before they marry.

What is so sad to me, is traditional marriage: one man, one woman faithfully committed for a lifetime, providing an optimum environment in which to raise children will now been seen as even less important and valuable than before.

Hundreds of studies show it's traditionally married people who:

• live longest
• make and save the most money
• have the best sex lives
• have fewer emotional problems
• described themselves as happy and satisfied
• have children who go to college
• have far fewer children with emotional problems
  
• are less likely to abuse chemicals

But thanks to the CA Supreme Court, we can all feel good that now gay people "can have the Party" too.

Virgins & Oral Sex

A new study about oral sex is about to be published in the July issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health. The analysis of a federal survey released yesterday, found that more than half of 2,200 males and females aged 15 to 19, reported having had oral sex.

The revelation making the news is that virgins were much less likely to engage in oral sex than sexually experienced teens. Eighty-seven percent (87%) of teens who had "real sex" were also engaging in oral sex. Only 23% of virgins were engaging in this behavior.

This is good news... since there has been concern that teens were using oral sex to "preserve" their virginity. This study is the first to actually ask the question.

Here is my opinion. Based on my conversations with teens in every walk of life over 10 years, I can say, teens know that "protection" exists. They are not uninformed about the availability of condoms and/or birth control (although there is a great deal of MISinformation mixed in with what they know.)

BUT, they don't want to use it. The problem is NOT that they don't know they should. The problems isn't that they don't know how to get it or how to use it. They don't WANT to use it. It works like this...

Phase One: Two virgins are curious about sex. There has been some kissing and touching that produces really great feelings. They aren't thinking, "This could lead to sex, I better get protection." They're thinking, "We'll just keep doing this. There's no risk in this." Then, well... they don't call it foreplay for nothing. End result, they didn't use protection because they "weren't planning to have sex."

Phase Two: Nothing terrible happened, although SHE has just sweat bullets until her period came. She has The Talk where she tells him, "That was really risky. I don't want to do that anymore." He's thinking, "Are you crazy?! That was great! You better believe I want to do that again!" But he says, "Sure. Whatever you want. We don't have to do it. I can wait until you're ready."

In the meantime, he's looking at whatever will remove the obstacles to doing it again. Thus, he introduces the possibility of using protection... usually condoms. She receives this information as a form of his concern for her safety. BUT, if he actually brings condoms to their next rendezvous, the encounter will lose some of the spontaneity and she feels let down.

Phase Three: She becomes focused on not getting pregnant, but he has subtly ramped up the pressure to be sexually intimate. "Protection" seems so mundane and makes their "love" feel somehow lessened. So, one of them suggests oral sex. HE because he wants to remove any and all obstacles which might impede his next orgasm. SHE because she wants to preserve the relationship without "ruining her life."

Phase Four: Their relationship inevitably ends and they move on to other people. Oral sex for her in subsequent relationships seems like a way to eliminate the constant pressure for sex without being vulnerable to the risks. Oral sex for him is easily presented to the next girl as an option which "costs her nothing." It is extremely rare that girls are the recipient of oral sex... make of that what you will.

Phase Five: These teens hear a Positively Waiting presentation. First revelation: Any STD that can live between someone's legs will also live in another person's mouth. They are convinced (finally!) that protection is also necessary if they engage in oral sex. In future sexual encounters they can't help but think, "Umm, where has this body part been?"

Second revelation: The memories of those intimate experiences don't go away just because they have changed partners. Now they KNOW each experience and all the emotions tied to it will compile one upon another. The pain and fear and vivid memories will lurk in the shadows, ready to appear at inopportune moments.

If they choose to continue sexual activity (oral, anal or vaginal) now they KNOW they must use protection at all times, if they want to avoid risk. The decision to actively use protection and/or birth control makes it very hard to convince themselves that sex is a way of expressing "their love."

Phase Six: They pretend sex is just a sport. "It's fun. We're being responsible. No one's getting hurt. Sex helps us get to know each other." In other words, they become US.

We produce another generation that can't bond, that takes risks with other people's lives, that never develops relational skills and then walks away when it gets too hard.

Does anyone market "protection" against that?

Magical Tingly Deceiving Feelings

I have two older sisters who gave me the following advice about love: "When its the REAL thing, you'll just know."

They gave me this advice (in slightly superior tones) when I was perhaps 10 or 11, after telling me that the feelings I had for some boy was "puppy love." Since I always looked up to my sisters, I accepted their council as from on high.

Then, at about 14, I had a physiological response to a boy that I had NEVER FELT BEFORE. The muscles in my stomach tightened up, an electrical current rushed up my spine, inside I was trembling with excitement. "THIS," I thought, "is the REAL thing."

Of course, now I know its hormones.

I bring this up to beg you parents/teachers/youth pastors PLEASE, please, talk to your children about those powerful and confusing feelings.

In my talks to teens, I relate the above story. We all get a big laugh out of how silly it is to think the magical tingly feeling is love... ha, ha. I see them glance at each other and laugh, but in anonymous written feedback, again and again, I see "Thank you for telling me what Real Love it. I was trusting those feelings too."

I hear so often about pain and frustration caused by relying on the movies to determine what love is. If I could have a private talk with every parent of teens I would say, "Prepare them: Talk about the tingly feelings that will come. Talk about love-in-action versus, love in words. Talk about sexual bonding hormones (see article at http://www.positivelywaiting.com/sexual_bonding.html ). Discuss loving behavior (as in, when you love someone you don't put them at risk, you respect their boundaries and values...etc.)

So often, teens tell me they never talk to their parents about crushes because they believe Mom and Dad never had these feelings. Most adults realize as they matured that the crush-of-the-week wasn't real, and dismiss those fleeting feelings... especially as they come to understand (usually the Hard Way) what it takes to have a mature and lasting love. But for a teen, they have nothing to compare to those magical tingly feelings. If moms and dads aren't talking about how they, too, were fooled when they were young, it's not hard to imagine teens may be relying on advice similar to what my sisters told me.

My heart just breaks when I talk to young girls, 14 or 15, who "gave it up" to the first boy they had those feelings for, who was able to convince them it was "love." They are embarrassed and ashamed they got fooled. But at the time, the unexpected rush of electricity overcame their good judgment. If only they had been prepared by the ones who love them the most.

Mom, Dad, if you don't know what to say, try this:
Teen years a so critical. This is the season of your life when you start discovering your talents and abilities, and when you begin practicing relationship skills. Your friendships will be hugely important to you. But this is also a time when your body starts giving signals that are confusing. I promise you, there will be someone who, when you just see them for a second, will make your heart pound, your face flush and your muscles spasm. You won't be able to stop thinking about them. And it is really easy to believe they are the only thing in the world that matters.

It doesn't mean what you are feeling isn't real. It is, but it isn't a love-that-lasts-forever. Someone who has those powerful feelings for you at 15, may not have the same powerful feelings for you at 20. You know how much you have changed just since you were 10? You don't care about the same things, don't want to play with the same toys. The amount of change you experienced in just the last 5 years, is NOTHING compared to what will have in the next 5. You will have an explosion of new experiences. Your tastes will change. Your skills and preferences will mature. The person you are now may not be the the person you are in 5 years. Someone who "loves" you at 15, may try to keep you exactly like you are now and actually limit your potential. The same is true for you about them... you may not like who they become either.

The most important skills for you to work on right now, is how to understand and relate to people think and process very differently from you. Learn to negotiate. Practice resolving conflicts. Discover shared interests. These are skills you will need to be able to recognize your True Love, and to be able to be successful in your relationships.

The magical tingly feelings are fun, but they won't last. And they aren't reliable because feelings change.
***

How do I know this will work? Because this is exactly what I say to the teens when they confide to me they got fooled.

They tell me it's a relief to have something concrete to move forward with. And they tell me it means a lot to talk to an adult who cares and understands what its like. So often I hear how their experiences are dismissed by adults who know how little it will matter in 5 years. The problem is RIGHT NOW, they need help to process the experience, to put it in perspective.

My parents never knew about the first serious crush I had. I was 13, being picked up from junior high school by a boy who was 16. NOW, I know I was just an easy target. He almost convinced me to have sex with him. The only reason I decided against it was while he was waiting for me to give in, I found out he had sex with one of my friends (also 13). The confusion of the sweet talk, the pressure, the tingly feelings --- and later the betrayal, the hurt, the rejection --- led to suicidal thoughts when it was over. I was all alone with those terrifying feelings, with the intense pressure, and with wanting to die just to stop the pain.

While your son or daughter may never get themselves into the same situation, they ARE going to be pressured and confused. Guaranteed. So please try. If it looks like they're blowing you off, try again in a different way. Afterwards, listen, relate what they say to your own experience. Then try again.

Most importantly, don't forget, its not just ONE talk. Think of it the same way you do when you want them to do their chores, Repeat, Remind, Reward.

Contrasts

A young black male asked me with total seriousness, "Is it true the government invented AIDS to kill us?"

I was at one of the local juvenile probation camps. This teenage boy had just listened attentively to my talk about sexual self-control. After hearing me be real about my own poor decisions as a teenager, I guess he decided I would also be truthful about this.

The first time I was asked, I remember I thought they were just trying to shock me. They ask some pretty silly things sometimes. One "tip" they tell me related by older black men is that you can tell if a girl has an STD by putting ear wax on your finger and inserting it in her vagina... if she "jumps" then she's probably got something.

I'm not kidding.

But I get that question about the government injecting AIDS into the the black community fairly often. They don't seem satisfied when I tell them it isn't true.

I can't help but contrast that with the phone calls made to Planned Parenthood where a "plant" made uncontested racist statements and wanted assurances that his "donation" would specifically fund abortions of black babies. The response of the Planned Parenthood administrator was absolutely that he could target his money to be used that way and she was "excited" to receive the contribution. You can hear the recording of the conversation on YouTube. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Eygv8qEkiFE

While the government did not inject AIDS into the African-American community, they do give millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood so they can run abortion clinics in minority neighborhoods. In this upside-down world, access to abortions is a "right" that before Roe v. Wade was only offered to rich white folks.

Planned Parenthood is considered an ally of minorities. The federal funding of abstinence education is considered an attack on minorities.

Follow the the thinking here: An organization receiving federal funding, which provides government-funded birth control and should it fail, government-funded abortion services... with clinics primarily located in the black and Hispanic communities... whose basic mission is to limit the number of babies born is considered a "friend" of those communities.

An organization teaching young people of all races that they can control their sexual passions, and which has NO financial gain other than a society of better citizens and stronger families... is considered their adversary.

Does anyone else see a problem with this?