Day of Silence, Day of Truth

Friday, April 25th is the "Day of Silence" sponsored by the Gal Lesbian Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Students, some with tape over their mouth, will hand out cards when called on which state their support for homosexual students who have been bullied into silence.

Monday, April 28th is the "Day of Truth" sponsored by some pro-family groups as a counter-balance. Students will also hand out cards (but not during class) which promote respectful dialogue about homosexuality.

Is it just me, or does this seem like a crazy environment for CHILDREN to learn? I saw one "testimony" about a substitute teacher who couldn't be silent so he opted for a t-shirt that promoted homosexuality and "educated his EIGHTH GRADERS."

I know some eighth graders. They are 12 and 13... they are worried about pimples, braces, teasing, new body odors and algebra. Do we really need to add the politics of sex to their day?

I have very strong beliefs (as I bet you do) about homosexuality and its impact on people and society. Debating those issues gets adults wound up and heated. What does it do to children who are accustomed to being directed and guided by adults? How does a 13-year-old reconcile a favorite teacher's beliefs when they conflict with what mom or dad says? Is it fair to ask the child to "take sides"... and then expect them to just go about their day?

Isn't forcing children to take sides in such a contentious forum a form of bullying too?

I'm going to default to what I have said in the past and will argue in the future. There are NO benefits to adolescent sexual activity. NONE. Sexual behavior in teens is linked to:

• emotional problems like depression and suicidal thoughts
• risky behavior like smoking, drinking and drug abuse
• higher drop-out rates
• difficulty bonding in future relationships
• non-martial pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections

I don't see any benefit to children to bring the politics of sex into their classroom. It's disruptive to the children and the learning process. Desensitizing their natural modesty and directing their thoughts to the gamut of sexual behaviors for a day (and in some schools for a week) certainly undermines any efforts to help them learn sexual self-control.

They banned sodas and sugary snacks to keep kids from being tempted to eat poorly, but you should see what your child's school can put up to "promote" tolerance of homosexuality.

Really BAD Abstinence Ed.

I was reminded today of the two contestants on American Idol who "promoted" abstinence education. One was a middle aged man who sang a song called "No Sex!" and the other was a high school student who wanted Simon Cowell to know it would "just be better" if he waited for sex until marriage. They, like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live and the "coach" at the beginning of Mean Girls, give abstinence a bad name. We do look utterly foolish when we pretend sex is bad, dirty or evil.

The American Idol contestants represent just two of several forms of really bad abstinence education. Here are some others:

1. Data Dumping: Scary statistics, graphic pictures of diseased genitals and study after depressing study on the negative consequences of non-marital sexual activity. It does produce a fairly impressive eeyewuuww! factor, but information doesn't change behavior.
2. The Sleeping Beauty Method: extreme censorship of any and all material which might inspire a sexual thought. This is a favorite of churched families, generally based on the wrong belief that preventing ALL exposure to the sex-saturated culture as a young person will somehow keep them from wanting to have sex. It makes mom and dad feel good, but leaves the child totally unprepared from the onslaught of emotions and desire they have when they step outside the cocoon.
3. Lowering the Bar: changing the standard to something other than wait for marriage, most often, "wait until you're ready/older/in a committed relationship." This are vague and unspecific targets which have broad interpretations. An adult's interpretation of the "commitment" stage is very different from a 14-year old's.
   

NONE of these strategies work.

I know this for a fact, because we tried them and failed. We found out the hard way that fear only works as long as the fear lasts. Its great when they're 5, but really ineffective at 15. When we finally set aside our pride, and really asked what works? what impacts your attitudes toward sex? Teens gave us the answers.

More next time...

LAUSD and Me

From 1998 until December of 2006, my husband and I talked to teens in LA Unified Schools (mostly in the San Fernando Valley). A frank talk about living with the consequences of sex really impacted their perspective about sex, about "safe sex" and about not "doing it."

BUT... in December of 2006, LAUSD made us stop. They were worried about "discrimination" and "medical accuracy." OK. We worked the system. Lots of legal hoop jumping, delays, written proposals and more delays... In the end, they have decided:

1) We are not qualified to tell our own story
2) While the whole point of our story is that "safe sex" failed us, in order to come back to LAUSD schools, we would have to include tell students there are "other FDA approved methods for preventing pregnancy and contracting STDS" [Note: That means we have to encourage them to use condoms.]

The absurdity is the FDA and the CDC will only say "Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases."

REDUCE the risk???!! By how much? The rates vary depending on the disease, whose infected and what type of sexual activity they're engaging in...

(You didn't really believe a condom gave you 100% protection, did you?)

So, back to LAUSD... if we agree to tell students something we KNOW experientially didn't work for us, and we can PROVE scientifically won't work for THEM, the district will allow us to talk to the students... oh wait, I forgot. We aren't qualified to tell our own story.

Ungrateful Women

Men are often astounded to find out that if a woman doesn't want to think about sex, she just doesn't. Click. Turn the switch off. Because so many men have used pornography to teach them about women, they internalize that this is how "real" females respond. They imagine women are fantasizing all the time, and experience some kind of withdrawal if they're "not gettin' any."

Women are equally as ill-informed. Few women I have ever met in my life understand how much mental energy a guy has to use everyday to control his sexual thoughts. They have no idea what it COSTS a guy to be faithful to her.

If every woman could understand this illustration, it would dramatically change her relationship.

Ladies, I want you to think of a time when you had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. You find a public restroom, but when you open the door there's 6 other gals ahead of you.

So there you are standing in line, waiting your turn. You know the thing you do in your head to keep from wetting your pants? That's what its like all the time for a guy.

Graphic, specific and visceral thoughts just pop into his head thousands of times a day. 24/7. He can't help it. But he knows if he spends any time thinking about any particular thought, he'll have to deal with a physical reaction that goes along with it. So, all day, every day, he has to redirect those thoughts, just to function.

BUT (because of the way women dress) everywhere HE goes, imagine that guy whose working hard at redirecting his thoughts, everywhere he goes hears running water. [Note: this is an auto-pee-trigger for a girl, in case you didn't know.]

The truth is, most guys want to treat women with respect. But if a woman wants to be treated with respect and dignity, she has to make it possible for him to think about her as a PERSON.

It is an immutable fact of natural law that when your cleavage is out there, he's not thinking about YOU, he's thinking about your chest. When your pants are so tight he could tell if a dime in your pocket was heads-or-tails... he's thinking about your butt.

For him its involuntary... just the way he's wired. But, lady, YOU had control over what you put on today. If you want to be treated with respect and dignity, check your message before you leave home and see if it says, "I am my boobs." Or "I'm a vagina."

And one last word... ladies, if you're married to a guy who doesn't cheat on you --- even if he's not meeting all your needs --- I say, Be grateful your husband wins the daily battle to be faithful to you. Its a lot harder than you think.