Every home owner dreads termites. Somewhere in the back of your mind you know a queen termite lays an egg about every 2 seconds. And you know you can't SEE termites until something crashes through. The Orkin Man will come around and treat your home, alert you to damage, but the embarrassing truth is, most people wait until there's PROOF they got termites before they do anything.
And then there's the circus tent telling everyone you put it off just a little too long.
I feel like the termite guy. I feel like I have a treatment for termites that can prevent a whole lot of costly damage down the road. But some folks want to wait until there's PROOF they have a problem.
Case in point. A very sweet mom told me that she was good to go as far as her daughters are concerned. They're 12 and 13, but she's not worried at all because she took each of her girls on a special weekend where they did the Dennis & Barbara Rainey's "Passport to Purity." This is an interactive series to prepare pre-teens for some of the confusion of the teen years.
Here's the thing. "Passport to Purity" IS an excellent series. For 12 and 13 year olds. But the adolescent brain has not fully developed the ability to understand long-term consequences of their behavior. That means, even though these darling girls have taken a "virginity pledge" with their mom on a special weekend, it is not enough to carry them all the way through til marriage.
These girls don't know WHAT it will be like to have an obsessive, hormone-driven crush on a boy. At this age, they can't imagine they would lie, cheat, cut class, starve themselves or smoke a joint to fit in with someone they want to attract. They are not capable of understanding the character they will have to develop, and how much work it will be, to make it through adolescence without hitting a minefield.
I'm saddened because this mom doesn't seem to understand it either.
After a recent parent workshop, a dad told me how he had worked himself up to do that ONE weekend, hoping that would be the end of it... after hearing my talk, he realized he needs to do a LOT more.
I don't mean more weekends, but more talks. Watching for teachable moments. Helping them decide what they are going to put in their head. Making their brain saturated with values at home, so when they go out in the world, their little sponge brains are already full.
I'm praying for that mom who doesn't get it, because I think she'll contact me again someday asking for advice of a different nature.
Monday, February 23, 2009
He got it
I think I have seen the most astute comment ever from a 14 year old following one of our talks. He wrote: "The only real protection in your life is your own decisions."
I have been talking to teens about sex for over 10 years now and the reactions range from "sex is bad" to "I'll be more careful who I have sex with." Each of these represents extremes in the way teens think.
The first comment suggests that ALL sex at ANY time is not worth the risk. Its naturally concerned about eliminating all risk. Children have difficulty imagining that some challenges in life can be coped with, or at least managed in such a way that they don't take over your life. But the truth is, when you're 13 and not sexually active, and you have trouble understanding what all the fuss is about, this approach seems ideal. Sex is bad. I will avoid it.
The other comment, "I'll be more careful who I have sex with" comes from a teen's impression that they are invincible and intuitively perceptive. (Not just teens most people believe they could "tell" if someone was infected, or a threat in some way.) Very few teens grasp the concept that there are people who can look you right in the eye and lie. Its almost unimaginable... even though they are often quite expert at deception themselves.
But for a young person to realize, "I can control the outcome if I can control myself through good decisions" is truly remarkable. It says a lot about the young man who wrote it. Instead of looking for some magic pill to cure the evil "out there" he instead takes the tack immediately, "this is up to me."
I wish I knew more about him than he is in the 8th grade confirmation class at St. John's Lutheran of Orange. I'd like to shake his hand.
I have been talking to teens about sex for over 10 years now and the reactions range from "sex is bad" to "I'll be more careful who I have sex with." Each of these represents extremes in the way teens think.
The first comment suggests that ALL sex at ANY time is not worth the risk. Its naturally concerned about eliminating all risk. Children have difficulty imagining that some challenges in life can be coped with, or at least managed in such a way that they don't take over your life. But the truth is, when you're 13 and not sexually active, and you have trouble understanding what all the fuss is about, this approach seems ideal. Sex is bad. I will avoid it.
The other comment, "I'll be more careful who I have sex with" comes from a teen's impression that they are invincible and intuitively perceptive. (Not just teens most people believe they could "tell" if someone was infected, or a threat in some way.) Very few teens grasp the concept that there are people who can look you right in the eye and lie. Its almost unimaginable... even though they are often quite expert at deception themselves.
But for a young person to realize, "I can control the outcome if I can control myself through good decisions" is truly remarkable. It says a lot about the young man who wrote it. Instead of looking for some magic pill to cure the evil "out there" he instead takes the tack immediately, "this is up to me."
I wish I knew more about him than he is in the 8th grade confirmation class at St. John's Lutheran of Orange. I'd like to shake his hand.
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